So....what started out as a 'post a day' turned into a few posts a week, then turned into, "I'm too damn busy to write!" But I've missed you all. Well, I've certainly found that writing is something that I find valuable and that I enjoy very much. Life has been relatively challenging the last several weeks and my mode and mood has moved from one of enrichment to basic survival. We seem to be surviving for the time being, so back to some enrichment. Good news.
My spiritual practice has definitely taken some hits....never did a day go by without at least a moment to practice, but the daily 20 -30 minute meditation did NOT happen for SEVERAL days over the last 6 weeks. Again, survival. Although I know that taking time to meditate would have possibly moved me through my survival mode faster, I simply did not do it.
We hit a very low enrollment at the Center right at the top of the year with only 19 students registered for our largest class. Then through some posting of friends and people just realizing that our semester had started, we skyrocketed to 48 students in that one class in a matter of days. However the period of only 19 students scared the living hell out of me. We simply cannot function on 19 students. We would have faced certain bankruptcy within a few months. BUT we didn't. I still believe in miracles.
Since I am an adjunct at BlackHawk College, I get an entire 5 weeks off at Christmas time! It is wonderful to have all that time off, but since I am an adjunct at BlackHawk, I do not get any pay for that time off. This always makes the month of January a pain in the ass for me; for us. So I have decided that this is the last year I will put us through that situation.
I have decided to go back for my master's degree. I'm looking for an MDiv with a Unitarian endorsement. I'm going to be a minister or teach in a seminary or do both. My spiritual views are very liberal, mystic, perennial and universal and I think the world needs more of 'that' out there. So I'm going back to school, dude! I have applied at Phillips Theological Seminary in Tulsa, OK. Mostly online, but will have several week-long intensives on campus throughout my education.
I do not know what this means for the Center, but I don't need to know that yet. I trust that when it comes time for a shift to be made, the shift will be made. I will just stay tuned-in to the shifting. Who knows, maybe it will end up being the arts and spirituality center I always wanted it to be? I don't know such things. On the other hand we may just close up shop. It's hard to keep the place running at times and I'd rather share my life and time at home with my precious family enjoying each other, playing ball, taking walks, singing, sharing meals, drinking wine and riding motorcycles. Not in that order of course. We've been here for almost 6 years. We've worked with approximately 1500 youth in that time.We've provided a needed service. Nothing lasts forever on this planet. We shall see.
The Center seemed like a dream come true for me. I have great difficulty letting it go. Eli loves to be there. Thinking of taking that away from him breaks my heart a bit, but all of that is just 'story' right now. Stuff my head is making up to keep me away from being present to this moment and my life as it is.
It's funny how our minds continously tell us stories. Stories of how we have been victimized from others (whatever/whoever they may be). Stories of how people are so much 'less than' us and how they should just do as we think they should do. Stories of anger and wanting to fight back against ______________. But they are all just stories. Simple words made into sentences with added emotional charge. THEY ARE NOT US. They are just words and emotion that ultimately fade away given the space to do so. It is my knowing that WE are the space in which all that stuff passes through, not the stuff itself.
I've certainly come to own that notion over the last month or so. When faced with possible bankruptcy, my thoughts were all over the place and saturated with fear, but the thing is...all of that stress that I built up, all of those talks Tina and I had, all of the anger, hurt and fear that we experienced, all of that junk that shook us to our very core.....WAS NOT REAL. It was entirely made up in our minds. More in my mind than Tina's mind. I made it up and then transferred it to her like a virus. And to think that I tell this girl that I love her and then can spread something like that. I gave my wife a PTD (psychically transmitted disease). If only we had condoms for our minds! I don't know if they make them big enough! HA.
So if all of that was made up, conjecture, what else is also made up? I venture to say MOST OF IT. We don't have to make a story out of everything. We don't have to tell ourselves about the worst that will happen. I think we're addicted to the drama of it all. At least I am. Hello, my name is Dino Hayz and I am addicted to the drama of my life. The first step is admitting it. Now to get off it.
Getting back into the meditation on a regular basis and spending time watching the thoughts go by without make a big to do about them is helping me find center again.
I've come to realize that this blog is aptly titled. It's called FINDING Center. Not "Center, done found." It's all a process. My experience is like a pendulum, going from one extreme to another, but the goal is always to remember where Center is. And if I'm going to swing, let me swing FROM that place.
Peace and love. More soon.
Blessings,
Dino
