What a wonderful past few days. I've been blessed with good times, good friends and an outpouring of loving-kindness that has touched my very soul. Blessed be.
My centering has taken a new approach with a much more gentle and loving 'place' the last week or so. I am now going to call it 'communion' rather than Centering. It is slowly but surely changing me from the inside out; showing me where darkness hides and asking that I shine the light of awareness on all that I encounter; both in and out of my meditation time. Hills and valleys. I may change the name again from 'communion' to 'holy shit!' depending on what the holidays bring.
I would like to talk about forgiveness today. I've been dealing with forgiving someone recently in my life. My mind was so enamoured with making this person guilty and wrong during the last week, that I've spent a great amount of time focused solely on forgiving him/her. And finally, I have.
So elusive this thing called forgiveness, at times. But what is it and why should I do it? My first dealings with forgiveness comes from my young days in church. We were told that we were born in sin and that we need to ask Jesus to forgive our sins so that we could go to Heaven when we died. I did this as I was not going to be one of those people who went to hell. A six year old is very impressionable.
The next thing I really remember about forgiveness was during my parent's divorce. My mom said she'd never forgive my dad for leaving. Then she said she would forgive but never forget. And I think that second line about forgiving but not forgetting is really what most people mean when they say they'll forgive. Saying "I forgive you" pretty much means "you did some nasty shit to me, but I am taking the high road and will not hold resentment toward you...eventually. BUT I will always remember what you did."
To me, this seems like a bad, outdated form of forgiveness. Now God knows that I do not have all my forgiveness issues accounted for and I feel very wronged by some people in this world, but as long as I hold them hostage in my heart, there is a bit of me that will always be at the mercy of fear. I will always have some part of my identity labeled as victim. And maybe that is a true part of who I am; a victim. Maybe that's true for all of us. We have all been victimized. We have all, if we admit it, have been the one doing the victimizing (at times). I've certainly been the brunt of some nasty actions. But I've also been the ass who did some nasty actions. I'm not stating that as an issue of pride, but more of an issue of honesty.
BUT I don't believe that at our core we can be either of those roles. But at our core we are divine. At my deepest self where my divine spark lies, I am one with all. That means that from my perspective, at my deepest self, I AM YOU and you are me. That's one of the many definitions for the word namaste used by people who practice yoga and hinduism. "The God in me honors/salutes/bows/adores the God in you." As a side note, Tina and I had Namaste inscribed on our wedding rings. We chose a much more poetic definition, "I celebrate the place in you, where you and I are one." Isn't that gorgeous?! One word. But I digress...
So....if at our core we are all divine and one, you can't truly hurt me, nor I you. Because there really is no difference between the two of us (at our CORE). BUT we mostly don't live from our cores. Well I should speak for myself here. Correction: I mostly don't live from my core. I live up on top where the waves of life toss me around like a dingy. I also see that I'm not alone up here. In fact, it's quite crowded.
But just because we mostly live on the top does not mean that we have to stay there forever. We can start to dive deeper. In fact, I know of no greater goal (at least for myself) than making the attempt to dive deeper. So what if I never 'make it'...at least I will have spent my life, or a part of it, heading in the right direction. Trying to be a kinder person; a gentler person; a more loving person.
But I don't think, hell...I KNOW you can't just decide to be kind and be done with it. We are not wired that way and the world certainly doesn't support that lifestyle. The world wants to keep us up on top of the waves, getting us just riled up enough to be constantly agitated, but not too riled up so we don't go on a shooting spree. So HOW do you make the attempt to live from your core? You must visit it. You must set your sights on the inner landscape on a regular basis; focus on the inner journey just as much as the outer journey. That's what I am attempting with my daily practice and good lord is it rocky terrain at times.
So what does this have to do with forgiveness? Everything. If I live from my core, I can truly forgive all the perceived wrongs in my life. I notice that if I am just in a more relaxed state I can find it easier to forgive than if I'm stressed out. Living at our Center is quite a bit more than just being relaxed. It puts you in a state of realizing that most of the bullshit that people 'do' to each other is really done from a totally unconscious state of being.
The asshole who cuts you off in traffic; not really an asshole. They are just busy texting and unaware (in their bones) of the danger they're causing.
That bitch who took your very soul. Not really a bitch. Just a very scared person looking for some kind of control in their lives and not knowing a better way of doing it.
Name your poison and fill in the rest for yourself.
Now does this mean that people shouldn't be held accountable or that it all should be overlooked? Good God NO. People should be held accountable. I think one of the problems in our society today, especially in our homes, is the lack of any substantial consequences. What I AM talking about is how you hold the event in your heart. Do you cringe everytime you hear the perpetrator's name? Your cringing doesn't affect them at all; only you.
The old style forgivenss says, "yeah, you're an ass, but I forgive you...ass."
The new forgiveness says, "I see what you did and recognize that you are not living from your true center (neither am I). If you were, you could not have done this. I am choosing to live from my deeper self. From that place, you have no power to harm me; none. You are forgiven."
It all comes back to "Who do you think you are?" Are you truly good/divine at your deepest self? Or are you truly sinful and wrong at your deepest self? How you see yourself is how you see others; truly. AND how you see others is ultimately how you secretly see yourself. A wisdom teacher once said, "Judge not that ye yourself may not be judged. For whatever you deal out to others will be dealt right back to you." It's more than a statement of 'don't judge' and 'karma.' It is a true psychological marker of humanity. The way you view anyone else (good or bad) is how you see yourself. It's just that the bad stuff is stuff that we don't like to admit. We don't like to admit that we've ever held a nasty thought for someone. We don't like to admit that we have wished people dead at times. We don't like to admit that we hope some people burn in hell for all eternity for what they've done to us.
But we do all those things. And we do those things NOT from our deepest self.
Everyone we meet and pass on the street is waging a battle. We have no idea the shit they are going through just trying to keep the appearance up that all is ok.
Nobody really has any idea what shit WE are going through just trying to keep up the appearance that all is ok. When the truth is, we are really scared.to.death.
We are the same.
All of us.
At the core.
Recognizing that
is
true
forgivness.
But ain't it a bitch?!
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Thursday, December 15, 2011
On People Pleasing
Good day!
My overall energy and vibe have returned to more of a CENTERED place. I wish I could say I called it forth, but in all honesty, the storm simply passed and I am feeling much more calm. I'm reminded of the quote that we should not fear the storms, but instead learn how to dance in the rain. Nice.
As you know, I contemplate my death frequently. I put myself into a place of looking back on my life from the end and letting that perspective offer some guidance. I was doing that this morning right after my centering/prayer session and I was bombarded with the idea of finally letting the 'people pleaser' in me fall away. So let's get into this...
Hello. My name is Dino Hayz. And I am a people pleaser. I've been without a bout of people pleasing for 2 days. It's hard, but I really think I can stay on the wagon this time. (no dis-respct for 12 step programs at all, this is just an issue for me)
So let's define a people pleaser. I define it as one who goes out of their way to please people (easy, so far right?) while not respecting their own boundaries. One who will say YES to something they really would rather say NO to in hopes that by saying YES, they will win the approval and support of the YESee. Now there are certain levels here and also times when it is smart to do something for the good of the whole, but that's not what I'm talking about here. I'm talking about living your life according to the dictates of the world rather than your own inner guidance.
I have suffered from this affliction for a good many years. I learned it as a child. My dad left when I was ten years old which forced my mom out of the house to make a living; second shift. This forced me to spend a great deal of time alone, fending for myself. I was ten. I needed to survive. The tactic: learn to make friends with strong people and agree with them so they will like me and keep me safe.
I think many people use this as a form of survival. It's how we learn to be in this world, but there comes a time when it is no longer useful for many of us and should be laid aside. While I have suffered from this for most of my life, I can say with certainty that I am much more true to myself than I used to be. When I was in my twenties, I was still very much a 'whatever you say, sir' type of guy. It didn't matter to me at the time. If they had any type of status that I admired, I was their guy. However, this becomes problematic once you start being 'their guy' to more than one person. Not so bad if they have similar views, but downright problematic if they disagree. Ugh...I remember this time of my life with such a feeling of dread. I had no idea who I was, what I wanted, who was right, who was wrong, etc. But dang it, I kept being the yes man for as long as I could. It was the only way I knew.
Then life crumbled completely. It had to crumble. There is no way that you can maintain a YES to everyone in your life in that way. I was devastated. The people around me were devastated. It was bad; living according to the dictates of other's hearts rather than your own. After the dust had settled a bit, years later, I vowed to always speak my truth no matter who got pissed by it. Those who I did not agree with were released from my life with my blessings. I was starting over.
And I've done alright, but my people pleasing has gone more 'inside' than before. It's harder to recognize it. But on the outside of things, I'm pretty good. I now refuse to work in a job that I cannot stomach. I just won't do it. I refuse to say things that are false just to get someone to like me. BUT I will not speak a truth if I feel it will make someone uncomfortable. I will withhold my opinion on many issues if someone is in direct opposition to my own. See it's still there, just deeper and in a different form.
Certainly there are times when throwing your opinion around just becomes a pissing match. "I am right. You are wrong." And I choose silence during those times as well, but that's a different thing. That is choosing the higher road in many cases. But I know in my heart when I'm choosing the path of Wisdom or the path of 'oh crap, if I say that, they may not like me anymore.' There is a difference and I am well aware of it.
So sometimes it becomes a marker for me to make sure that I AM pissing off someone on a semi-regular basis. We can't be completely true to ourselves without someone being upset by it. They want us to match their story of us. We do the same to others. There are people that I love that piss me off. Why? Simply because they're doing crap I don't want them to do. I remind myself that it is THEIR life. Not mine. I'm a better functioning individual for where I made mistakes and learned from them. Who am I to take that opportunity away from someone else?
My business, The Center for Living Arts, is a good ground for this discussion. We do theatre with youth. Everything was going fine with our attendance until some people got offended for a show we produced. What was the show? RENT? SPRING AWAKENING? O'CALCUTTA?
No. Godspell. A musical based on the gospel of Matthew. A group of people were 'very disappointed' we chose to preach to their children rather than teach them theatre. Good lord, really? The show is really not preachy and we never even sat down to pray once during the rehearsal. Good music. Good fun. Not a show for everyone, I know. But that is one instance of us thinking, "Well, maybe we just stay clear of any show that deals with spirituality."
Then when we actually did perform RENT, we heard from the other side, "it's just unethical to do a show about AIDS and homosexuality with teens." It made us think, "Well, maybe we just stay clear of any show that deals with real life issues."
I know!! We can do this wonderful show called, VANILLA.
Tina and I decided to follow our hearts and do whatever show we need/want to do at any given time. The more artistically pleasing shows are usually less well known, but we do them any way. When we need to make sure we have solid attendance, we do a more popular show. We have to do both to keep the business thriving and to keep our spirits thriving.
All of this reminds me of an old Indian parable:
An old man, a little boy, and a donkey traveled through a village. The little boy was riding the donkey and the old man was walking next to it. The townspeople exclaimed, "look at how that selfish young boy rides the donkey while that poor old man has to walk."
So the old man and the young boy switched places.
When they got to the next village, the townspeople cried, "look at how that grown man rides the donkey while that poor little boy has to walk."
So they both got on the donkey.
When they got to the next village, the townspeople yelled, "look at how those two ride on that poor small donkey when one of them could easily walk."
So the old man and little boy both walked next the donkey.
When they got to the next town, the villagers laughed, "look at how those two walk next to a perfectly good donkey, when they could ride it."
Suddenly the donkey escaped their clutches, ran off and fell into a river.
The moral of the story is, "if you try to please the multitude, you'll end up losing your ass!"
That is so good! I love it love it love it! We need to realize and remember often that it's OUR LIFE that we're talking about here. I do not want to be on my death bed reviewing my life and realizing I never did the things that I really wanted to do. From the mundane trivial items, like getting a tattoo; to the bigger issues like "I want to move away and live in the mountains." It's my life.
When all is said and done, whose story will I tell?
Blessings for a beautiful day!
BeYOUtilFULL!!
Dino
My overall energy and vibe have returned to more of a CENTERED place. I wish I could say I called it forth, but in all honesty, the storm simply passed and I am feeling much more calm. I'm reminded of the quote that we should not fear the storms, but instead learn how to dance in the rain. Nice.
As you know, I contemplate my death frequently. I put myself into a place of looking back on my life from the end and letting that perspective offer some guidance. I was doing that this morning right after my centering/prayer session and I was bombarded with the idea of finally letting the 'people pleaser' in me fall away. So let's get into this...
Hello. My name is Dino Hayz. And I am a people pleaser. I've been without a bout of people pleasing for 2 days. It's hard, but I really think I can stay on the wagon this time. (no dis-respct for 12 step programs at all, this is just an issue for me)
So let's define a people pleaser. I define it as one who goes out of their way to please people (easy, so far right?) while not respecting their own boundaries. One who will say YES to something they really would rather say NO to in hopes that by saying YES, they will win the approval and support of the YESee. Now there are certain levels here and also times when it is smart to do something for the good of the whole, but that's not what I'm talking about here. I'm talking about living your life according to the dictates of the world rather than your own inner guidance.
I have suffered from this affliction for a good many years. I learned it as a child. My dad left when I was ten years old which forced my mom out of the house to make a living; second shift. This forced me to spend a great deal of time alone, fending for myself. I was ten. I needed to survive. The tactic: learn to make friends with strong people and agree with them so they will like me and keep me safe.
I think many people use this as a form of survival. It's how we learn to be in this world, but there comes a time when it is no longer useful for many of us and should be laid aside. While I have suffered from this for most of my life, I can say with certainty that I am much more true to myself than I used to be. When I was in my twenties, I was still very much a 'whatever you say, sir' type of guy. It didn't matter to me at the time. If they had any type of status that I admired, I was their guy. However, this becomes problematic once you start being 'their guy' to more than one person. Not so bad if they have similar views, but downright problematic if they disagree. Ugh...I remember this time of my life with such a feeling of dread. I had no idea who I was, what I wanted, who was right, who was wrong, etc. But dang it, I kept being the yes man for as long as I could. It was the only way I knew.
Then life crumbled completely. It had to crumble. There is no way that you can maintain a YES to everyone in your life in that way. I was devastated. The people around me were devastated. It was bad; living according to the dictates of other's hearts rather than your own. After the dust had settled a bit, years later, I vowed to always speak my truth no matter who got pissed by it. Those who I did not agree with were released from my life with my blessings. I was starting over.
And I've done alright, but my people pleasing has gone more 'inside' than before. It's harder to recognize it. But on the outside of things, I'm pretty good. I now refuse to work in a job that I cannot stomach. I just won't do it. I refuse to say things that are false just to get someone to like me. BUT I will not speak a truth if I feel it will make someone uncomfortable. I will withhold my opinion on many issues if someone is in direct opposition to my own. See it's still there, just deeper and in a different form.
Certainly there are times when throwing your opinion around just becomes a pissing match. "I am right. You are wrong." And I choose silence during those times as well, but that's a different thing. That is choosing the higher road in many cases. But I know in my heart when I'm choosing the path of Wisdom or the path of 'oh crap, if I say that, they may not like me anymore.' There is a difference and I am well aware of it.
So sometimes it becomes a marker for me to make sure that I AM pissing off someone on a semi-regular basis. We can't be completely true to ourselves without someone being upset by it. They want us to match their story of us. We do the same to others. There are people that I love that piss me off. Why? Simply because they're doing crap I don't want them to do. I remind myself that it is THEIR life. Not mine. I'm a better functioning individual for where I made mistakes and learned from them. Who am I to take that opportunity away from someone else?
My business, The Center for Living Arts, is a good ground for this discussion. We do theatre with youth. Everything was going fine with our attendance until some people got offended for a show we produced. What was the show? RENT? SPRING AWAKENING? O'CALCUTTA?
No. Godspell. A musical based on the gospel of Matthew. A group of people were 'very disappointed' we chose to preach to their children rather than teach them theatre. Good lord, really? The show is really not preachy and we never even sat down to pray once during the rehearsal. Good music. Good fun. Not a show for everyone, I know. But that is one instance of us thinking, "Well, maybe we just stay clear of any show that deals with spirituality."
Then when we actually did perform RENT, we heard from the other side, "it's just unethical to do a show about AIDS and homosexuality with teens." It made us think, "Well, maybe we just stay clear of any show that deals with real life issues."
I know!! We can do this wonderful show called, VANILLA.
Tina and I decided to follow our hearts and do whatever show we need/want to do at any given time. The more artistically pleasing shows are usually less well known, but we do them any way. When we need to make sure we have solid attendance, we do a more popular show. We have to do both to keep the business thriving and to keep our spirits thriving.
All of this reminds me of an old Indian parable:
An old man, a little boy, and a donkey traveled through a village. The little boy was riding the donkey and the old man was walking next to it. The townspeople exclaimed, "look at how that selfish young boy rides the donkey while that poor old man has to walk."
So the old man and the young boy switched places.
When they got to the next village, the townspeople cried, "look at how that grown man rides the donkey while that poor little boy has to walk."
So they both got on the donkey.
When they got to the next village, the townspeople yelled, "look at how those two ride on that poor small donkey when one of them could easily walk."
So the old man and little boy both walked next the donkey.
When they got to the next town, the villagers laughed, "look at how those two walk next to a perfectly good donkey, when they could ride it."
Suddenly the donkey escaped their clutches, ran off and fell into a river.
The moral of the story is, "if you try to please the multitude, you'll end up losing your ass!"
That is so good! I love it love it love it! We need to realize and remember often that it's OUR LIFE that we're talking about here. I do not want to be on my death bed reviewing my life and realizing I never did the things that I really wanted to do. From the mundane trivial items, like getting a tattoo; to the bigger issues like "I want to move away and live in the mountains." It's my life.
When all is said and done, whose story will I tell?
Blessings for a beautiful day!
BeYOUtilFULL!!
Dino
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Insert Clever Title Here
A rough couple of days emotionally for me. I find it funny that this whole experiment is called Finding Center; because that is not how I am feeling. Obviously, the FINDING part is taking a while. However, I continue on with my meditations and prayer sessions. I wish I could say like clockwork, but I cannot. I center whenever I can. A few times it's been the last half hour of my day.
I have to say that I do see the value of creating intentional quiet. At least the attempt at intentional quiet. After these last 2 1/2 weeks, I can only really attest to maybe three total sessions where 'peace and ease' was my experience. Right now, it's been a lot of roller coaster rides with thought. I really enjoy the Hindu and Buddhist description of this as 'monkey mind.' My monkey is down right pissed off and flinging shit all over the place during my 'peaceful meditations.' But I keep on keeping on.
There has become some inner space in my mind lately. More on some days, less during others. But there just seems to be a little bit less of an edge on life. More space. God, it's hard to describe this. I guess I'm just not as caught up in thought as I usually am. Granted, as I said at the top, it's been a rough couple of days for me emotionally, but even with the preoccupation with pissiness and the anger/hurt/fear/rage that is lying just under the surface; I find myself better able to simply watch it all rather than act from it. That's not to say that I have not acted from that place, because I have. But not to the extent that I would have normally. I can be a mean son of a bitch when pushed (or just when I feel like it...I don't have to be pushed). But lately the desire and even the intensity of that SOB is quite diffused. That's good. I hope.
I have to say there's a bit of...a bunch of....a hell of a lot of FEAR at looking at all of this stuff. In this year long Centering Prayer/meditation experiment I have basically decided to watch and disengage/disidentify from my thoughts rather than just think them..or be them. What I'm finding is that the more I watch the more I see (duh) and some of the stuff I'm seeing is shit I don't want to see. But at this point it's kind of like watching a car wreck. I don't really want to see it, but I can't take my eyes off of it. It's called the 'shadow.' (scary, foreboding music playing...)
I've studied enough spirituality/religion/spiritual practices over the last 23 years to know intellectually what's going on, but I'm trying to limit what I post to my own experience; what I'm actually noticing as I travel this road. Some days what is prevalent after a session is simply thoughts about how I should or want to live my life. Some days, I'm over-run by the whole process; like today. I feel a bit beat up. But I feel that feeling...acknowledge it as best I can...and then surrender it to the Process. Interesting. I can say that was not my WAY a month ago. So maybe some 'progress.'
Hopefully more thoughts on life, love and passion coming soon. I appreciate your comments, emails and 'likes' on FB. I apologize for not responding to most, but I am very touched that you do so. I hold you in my prayers and wish for you the depths of Peace in your life.
Blessings,
Dino
I have to say that I do see the value of creating intentional quiet. At least the attempt at intentional quiet. After these last 2 1/2 weeks, I can only really attest to maybe three total sessions where 'peace and ease' was my experience. Right now, it's been a lot of roller coaster rides with thought. I really enjoy the Hindu and Buddhist description of this as 'monkey mind.' My monkey is down right pissed off and flinging shit all over the place during my 'peaceful meditations.' But I keep on keeping on.
There has become some inner space in my mind lately. More on some days, less during others. But there just seems to be a little bit less of an edge on life. More space. God, it's hard to describe this. I guess I'm just not as caught up in thought as I usually am. Granted, as I said at the top, it's been a rough couple of days for me emotionally, but even with the preoccupation with pissiness and the anger/hurt/fear/rage that is lying just under the surface; I find myself better able to simply watch it all rather than act from it. That's not to say that I have not acted from that place, because I have. But not to the extent that I would have normally. I can be a mean son of a bitch when pushed (or just when I feel like it...I don't have to be pushed). But lately the desire and even the intensity of that SOB is quite diffused. That's good. I hope.
I have to say there's a bit of...a bunch of....a hell of a lot of FEAR at looking at all of this stuff. In this year long Centering Prayer/meditation experiment I have basically decided to watch and disengage/disidentify from my thoughts rather than just think them..or be them. What I'm finding is that the more I watch the more I see (duh) and some of the stuff I'm seeing is shit I don't want to see. But at this point it's kind of like watching a car wreck. I don't really want to see it, but I can't take my eyes off of it. It's called the 'shadow.' (scary, foreboding music playing...)
I've studied enough spirituality/religion/spiritual practices over the last 23 years to know intellectually what's going on, but I'm trying to limit what I post to my own experience; what I'm actually noticing as I travel this road. Some days what is prevalent after a session is simply thoughts about how I should or want to live my life. Some days, I'm over-run by the whole process; like today. I feel a bit beat up. But I feel that feeling...acknowledge it as best I can...and then surrender it to the Process. Interesting. I can say that was not my WAY a month ago. So maybe some 'progress.'
Hopefully more thoughts on life, love and passion coming soon. I appreciate your comments, emails and 'likes' on FB. I apologize for not responding to most, but I am very touched that you do so. I hold you in my prayers and wish for you the depths of Peace in your life.
Blessings,
Dino
Monday, December 12, 2011
PreOccupied with Pissiness
Hello!
Well, just because I did not post for the last three days, don't assume I have fallen off the wagon. A daily blog with any substance on a continuous basis is too much for me right now. This project is to serve me, not the other way around. So I will do my best to post as often as I can...4-6 times a week. My daily meditation has been going well. I hit a bit of a rocky patch today, but my overall sense of ease is stronger than it usually is and I attribute that to meditation/centering.
Yesterday, my Sabbath, was a day where I NEEDED my centering time. I had been (or let myself be) knocked off center Saturday night as I had a little miscommunication with someone. I awoke Sunday still feeling controlled by thoughts of anger and arrogance. It was troubling my heart so I went into my prayer a bit earlier in the day and brought forth some peace into my world. It did NOT take it all away, but it certainly put me back into a more centered zone.
I'll tell ya, when people piss me off, I really hold on to it. I think about it constantly. I envision the entire conversation a million times. I will even pretend in my mind that I said things that were 'better' or more powerful that the rebuttles that I truly did use. Everything else in my world of perception becomes secondary to how I was wronged and that person should be punished; either by me or everyone else. I think about different forms of revenge. Nothing severe usually, just about how I will cut them off from my grace indefinitely and put them through hell while they pine away.
What a bunch of crap right? I really do not believe much of that stuff right now. I don't even feel much anger over the situation anymore, but it truly is amazing how completely preoccupied I become with the guilt of someone else. It's almost as if I'm completely overtaken by some other entity. Now, please do not think me strange. I assume responsibility for my actions; most of them anyway. (:
But when anger, hurt, fear come raging in, it's almost as if there is a sleeping giant lying in the center of my being and once that giant awakens, there's not much choice I have but to stand witness and let that 'thing' run it's course in me. Here we go on the whole CHOICE thing again, but yesterday, I was so preoccupied with this 'angryman' speaking in my head, it was hard for me to get a word in at all. I do believe the prayer helped. The meditation helped. The inner surrendering and witnessing helped, but it was not instant in removing the giant or putting it back to sleep.
But I don't want it back to sleep. I want it to awaken and then be gone. I would be wise to remember that everything is a process. Sure it would have been nice had my prayer simply zapped my angryman to another dimension, but the truth is that TODAY/NOW the angryman is not here. I AM. I do believe the prayer worked, just not on my timing. I would not like to think what would have happened had I just not prayed, meditated, etc? I'm quite sure it would have been a pretty shitty day. Much shittier than it was.
This is one of those moments that I tell some of my reiki students about. You never know how much your inner awareness and meditation/prayer work pay off. Sure, you're doing all this 'spiritual' work, but you're still pissy a lot. But I wonder how much more pissy you would be had you not been doing the spiritual work. You may be having a bad day and take a few moments to gather your breath and being and then go back to your life. You are still having a bad day and you get a bit snippy with a friend. You may think that your prayer did not work. BUT had you done NOTHING, your reaction to your friend may have been a hell of a lot more than snippy. It could have been down right abusive and hurtful beyond repair. We just don't know. But we keep on.
I find it to be my experience that anytime I start committing to letting more of my light shine, the darkness comes rushing in. It makes sense if you think about it. You don't shine a flashlight into a sunny day, you shine a flashlight to illuminate the darkness. So I'm inviting this in. I must remember that. What you resist persists. What you look at (shine your light upon) goes away. May my recognition of my inner light be stronger than my perceived darkness.
Thank you very much for reading...whoever you are. Blessings to you.
Dino
Well, just because I did not post for the last three days, don't assume I have fallen off the wagon. A daily blog with any substance on a continuous basis is too much for me right now. This project is to serve me, not the other way around. So I will do my best to post as often as I can...4-6 times a week. My daily meditation has been going well. I hit a bit of a rocky patch today, but my overall sense of ease is stronger than it usually is and I attribute that to meditation/centering.
Yesterday, my Sabbath, was a day where I NEEDED my centering time. I had been (or let myself be) knocked off center Saturday night as I had a little miscommunication with someone. I awoke Sunday still feeling controlled by thoughts of anger and arrogance. It was troubling my heart so I went into my prayer a bit earlier in the day and brought forth some peace into my world. It did NOT take it all away, but it certainly put me back into a more centered zone.
I'll tell ya, when people piss me off, I really hold on to it. I think about it constantly. I envision the entire conversation a million times. I will even pretend in my mind that I said things that were 'better' or more powerful that the rebuttles that I truly did use. Everything else in my world of perception becomes secondary to how I was wronged and that person should be punished; either by me or everyone else. I think about different forms of revenge. Nothing severe usually, just about how I will cut them off from my grace indefinitely and put them through hell while they pine away.
What a bunch of crap right? I really do not believe much of that stuff right now. I don't even feel much anger over the situation anymore, but it truly is amazing how completely preoccupied I become with the guilt of someone else. It's almost as if I'm completely overtaken by some other entity. Now, please do not think me strange. I assume responsibility for my actions; most of them anyway. (:
But when anger, hurt, fear come raging in, it's almost as if there is a sleeping giant lying in the center of my being and once that giant awakens, there's not much choice I have but to stand witness and let that 'thing' run it's course in me. Here we go on the whole CHOICE thing again, but yesterday, I was so preoccupied with this 'angryman' speaking in my head, it was hard for me to get a word in at all. I do believe the prayer helped. The meditation helped. The inner surrendering and witnessing helped, but it was not instant in removing the giant or putting it back to sleep.
But I don't want it back to sleep. I want it to awaken and then be gone. I would be wise to remember that everything is a process. Sure it would have been nice had my prayer simply zapped my angryman to another dimension, but the truth is that TODAY/NOW the angryman is not here. I AM. I do believe the prayer worked, just not on my timing. I would not like to think what would have happened had I just not prayed, meditated, etc? I'm quite sure it would have been a pretty shitty day. Much shittier than it was.
This is one of those moments that I tell some of my reiki students about. You never know how much your inner awareness and meditation/prayer work pay off. Sure, you're doing all this 'spiritual' work, but you're still pissy a lot. But I wonder how much more pissy you would be had you not been doing the spiritual work. You may be having a bad day and take a few moments to gather your breath and being and then go back to your life. You are still having a bad day and you get a bit snippy with a friend. You may think that your prayer did not work. BUT had you done NOTHING, your reaction to your friend may have been a hell of a lot more than snippy. It could have been down right abusive and hurtful beyond repair. We just don't know. But we keep on.
I find it to be my experience that anytime I start committing to letting more of my light shine, the darkness comes rushing in. It makes sense if you think about it. You don't shine a flashlight into a sunny day, you shine a flashlight to illuminate the darkness. So I'm inviting this in. I must remember that. What you resist persists. What you look at (shine your light upon) goes away. May my recognition of my inner light be stronger than my perceived darkness.
Thank you very much for reading...whoever you are. Blessings to you.
Dino
Thursday, December 8, 2011
On Weight
So, this post may not be for everyone. In fact I'm a little cautious to write about this topic because it is such a trigger for me, but the one thing I can say for any type of meditation practice is that it brings up your shit so you can look at it; and hopefully let it go. So I offer this to you with a bit of fear.
I will say that I do not want any exercise or diet advice. Period. I do, however, want your prayers, a listening ear and for you to keep me in your thoughts.
I am a fat guy. My spiritual teachings would say that I need to modify that to, "I have a fat body. I am spirit." But from where I stand right now, I'm a fat guy. I have had extra fat on my body since I was 6 years old. I have been thin (very thin) and I have been very fat (fatter than now). My weight is on a constant 'hill and valley' type of course. Not really yo-yo as that would be too fast a description for me. If you have known me any amount of time over a year, you have seen (maybe, if you pay attention to this type of stuff) me a bit thinner, a bit heavier, a bit thinner, a bit heavier. It just depends on the time of year and my mood. I cycle around on the scale like the Earth orbits the sun. It's almost like clockwork. It's a two year cycle that lands on the low end around 192 and the high end (if I let it) around 260. Most years the high end stays around 230. So I'm screwing around with about 40 pounds of fat every two years. It's a neverending issue with me. I'm shedding light on it so I can maybe find out why.
Again, no advice please. I know how to eat healthily. I know the diet that works best for me. But I find I'm either sick and tired of carrying around weight OR sick and tired of monitoring my food. Right now, I'm the latter. I dropped about 40 pounds from September 2010 -May 2011. I maintained that loss through the summer until my dad died. Then I went to my hometown, spent a week, came back, went back and then just said to 'hell with it.' The scale is pushing up the 220 mark right now and honestly there are days I don't care and there are days I care so much I want to scream and rip apart my belly and just pull the fat out with my barehands. There are some days that the self-loathing is so high that I wish I were dead. Those days are very few and far between.
So why don't I just keep on a weight loss system of diet and exercise? It's because my weight is not directly caused by my eating. It is caused by emotions and self concept. I am sure of it. I eat to feel good. I eat for celebration. I eat when I'm sad. I eat when I'm bored. I eat to 'feel.' Many would say that I need to feel my feelings instead of trying to eat them away. That's cute. There is probably some truth to this. But I feel like I'm a pretty 'in-touch' with my feelings type of guy. Shit, I'm one of the few guys I know that even CARES about his weight.
I think it also has to do with my personality makeup. When I find something that I like, I want more of it...now. And not in moderation. I really liked doing RENT, so I do it every month at the Center. I really liked performing Godspell. We've been performing for 8 years. I really like Doritos, I can eat a whole bag in an afternoon. Food is my core addiction. Smoking used to be. I smoked at least a pack a day for over 20 years. My weight on the high end was 192...low end 146. It was easy to eat just a bit and then go out for a smoke. Now it's easy to eat just a bit and then go back for seconds.
But self concept is huge (every pun intended) here. I know this to be the real issue for me. I have a poor self concept. Please, the last thing I need is someone telling me that I'm good. None of that matters when you have a poor self image. But man, if you can start to change that image, miracles can happen.
Let me tell you a sweet story. When I fell for Tina, it was an epic event. I was head over heels in love with that woman. I never knew such beauty could exist on this planet. The sun rose every morning just to keep her face and soul out of the dark. I was smitten. I was truly devastated by her in the best way. The cool thing was she liked ME. She loved me. I could not believe that such a being directly from Heaven could love someone like me. I must not be so bad after all. Maybe I'm ok. Everything changed.
Beyond all of that...I started losing weight without effort; without any thought about it at all. I remember my dad coming over to see one of my shows and saying, "how much weight have you lost?" I replied, "NONE." He replied, "bullshit." I weighed. I dropped twenty five pounds without thinking about it. Being in a state of love and self-acceptance caused my eating habits to go back to what most people call normal. Not once did I think about diet during that time. Very cool.
So what happened? Tina is still the divinity that she has always been. We shower each other with love on a daily basis. We are really quite the cute couple. But my self concept has shifted back to one of 'less than.' There are moments when I watch my thoughts about our relationship and I'll hear things like, "Well, she's obviously staying with me because she's a saint. She certainly has seen my negative side like no other person. She's heard me fart. She's smelled me fart. God bless that woman for being here with me, but something must be wrong with her for wanting to stay."
It's all self concept; very poor self concept. Now again, I do not need people telling me that I'm good. But what is amazing is that through daily meditation/centering prayer, this stuff is coming to light and I'm able to begin to see my self talk as simply self-talk; not the truth. I'm sure it will feel like the truth again sometime because that's how all this 'issue stuff' is; in layers. But peeling away this layer can only be beneficial.
Maybe this is a reason people give up on meditation and prayer. It's starts to call forth all the stuff that's in the dark. We usually don't want to see what we're afraid of looking at, thus the dark. Well, that's my experience any way.
So during this time of reflection and continued daily prayer, I will continue to watch my thoughts; especially those about myself. I will become more mindful of what I eat. I'm really bad when it comes to being aware DURING a meal. I just go all "oh my God it's good!" and start shoving it in. You can say you really love a woman and just start kissing her heavily and licking her neck OR you can SHOW her you really love her by kissing her tenderly with awareness; relishing the moment for the beauty that it holds.
I think the same can be said/done with food...and no I'm not talking about anything kinky here...
This felt like more of a therapy session today. I'm hopeful we'll get back to more inspiring topics.
Sending you peace and love...and more butter!
Dino
I will say that I do not want any exercise or diet advice. Period. I do, however, want your prayers, a listening ear and for you to keep me in your thoughts.
I am a fat guy. My spiritual teachings would say that I need to modify that to, "I have a fat body. I am spirit." But from where I stand right now, I'm a fat guy. I have had extra fat on my body since I was 6 years old. I have been thin (very thin) and I have been very fat (fatter than now). My weight is on a constant 'hill and valley' type of course. Not really yo-yo as that would be too fast a description for me. If you have known me any amount of time over a year, you have seen (maybe, if you pay attention to this type of stuff) me a bit thinner, a bit heavier, a bit thinner, a bit heavier. It just depends on the time of year and my mood. I cycle around on the scale like the Earth orbits the sun. It's almost like clockwork. It's a two year cycle that lands on the low end around 192 and the high end (if I let it) around 260. Most years the high end stays around 230. So I'm screwing around with about 40 pounds of fat every two years. It's a neverending issue with me. I'm shedding light on it so I can maybe find out why.
Again, no advice please. I know how to eat healthily. I know the diet that works best for me. But I find I'm either sick and tired of carrying around weight OR sick and tired of monitoring my food. Right now, I'm the latter. I dropped about 40 pounds from September 2010 -May 2011. I maintained that loss through the summer until my dad died. Then I went to my hometown, spent a week, came back, went back and then just said to 'hell with it.' The scale is pushing up the 220 mark right now and honestly there are days I don't care and there are days I care so much I want to scream and rip apart my belly and just pull the fat out with my barehands. There are some days that the self-loathing is so high that I wish I were dead. Those days are very few and far between.
So why don't I just keep on a weight loss system of diet and exercise? It's because my weight is not directly caused by my eating. It is caused by emotions and self concept. I am sure of it. I eat to feel good. I eat for celebration. I eat when I'm sad. I eat when I'm bored. I eat to 'feel.' Many would say that I need to feel my feelings instead of trying to eat them away. That's cute. There is probably some truth to this. But I feel like I'm a pretty 'in-touch' with my feelings type of guy. Shit, I'm one of the few guys I know that even CARES about his weight.
I think it also has to do with my personality makeup. When I find something that I like, I want more of it...now. And not in moderation. I really liked doing RENT, so I do it every month at the Center. I really liked performing Godspell. We've been performing for 8 years. I really like Doritos, I can eat a whole bag in an afternoon. Food is my core addiction. Smoking used to be. I smoked at least a pack a day for over 20 years. My weight on the high end was 192...low end 146. It was easy to eat just a bit and then go out for a smoke. Now it's easy to eat just a bit and then go back for seconds.
But self concept is huge (every pun intended) here. I know this to be the real issue for me. I have a poor self concept. Please, the last thing I need is someone telling me that I'm good. None of that matters when you have a poor self image. But man, if you can start to change that image, miracles can happen.
Let me tell you a sweet story. When I fell for Tina, it was an epic event. I was head over heels in love with that woman. I never knew such beauty could exist on this planet. The sun rose every morning just to keep her face and soul out of the dark. I was smitten. I was truly devastated by her in the best way. The cool thing was she liked ME. She loved me. I could not believe that such a being directly from Heaven could love someone like me. I must not be so bad after all. Maybe I'm ok. Everything changed.
Beyond all of that...I started losing weight without effort; without any thought about it at all. I remember my dad coming over to see one of my shows and saying, "how much weight have you lost?" I replied, "NONE." He replied, "bullshit." I weighed. I dropped twenty five pounds without thinking about it. Being in a state of love and self-acceptance caused my eating habits to go back to what most people call normal. Not once did I think about diet during that time. Very cool.
So what happened? Tina is still the divinity that she has always been. We shower each other with love on a daily basis. We are really quite the cute couple. But my self concept has shifted back to one of 'less than.' There are moments when I watch my thoughts about our relationship and I'll hear things like, "Well, she's obviously staying with me because she's a saint. She certainly has seen my negative side like no other person. She's heard me fart. She's smelled me fart. God bless that woman for being here with me, but something must be wrong with her for wanting to stay."
It's all self concept; very poor self concept. Now again, I do not need people telling me that I'm good. But what is amazing is that through daily meditation/centering prayer, this stuff is coming to light and I'm able to begin to see my self talk as simply self-talk; not the truth. I'm sure it will feel like the truth again sometime because that's how all this 'issue stuff' is; in layers. But peeling away this layer can only be beneficial.
Maybe this is a reason people give up on meditation and prayer. It's starts to call forth all the stuff that's in the dark. We usually don't want to see what we're afraid of looking at, thus the dark. Well, that's my experience any way.
So during this time of reflection and continued daily prayer, I will continue to watch my thoughts; especially those about myself. I will become more mindful of what I eat. I'm really bad when it comes to being aware DURING a meal. I just go all "oh my God it's good!" and start shoving it in. You can say you really love a woman and just start kissing her heavily and licking her neck OR you can SHOW her you really love her by kissing her tenderly with awareness; relishing the moment for the beauty that it holds.
I think the same can be said/done with food...and no I'm not talking about anything kinky here...
This felt like more of a therapy session today. I'm hopeful we'll get back to more inspiring topics.
Sending you peace and love...and more butter!
Dino
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
On Compassionate Touch
Today I am trying something new. I am blogging prior to my centering session as I have some time. It usually takes me 30-45 minutes for a standard blog and I have some time now so here goes.
I am sitting in my classroom at BlackHawk College watching while the students exchange massage with each other. I offer some tidbits every now and then, but mostly let them go and explore their fledgling art. Soothing music is playing. They are moving slowly and are very focused. You can see the beginnings of compassionate caregivers in some of them already. I love massage done well. Hell, I love massage done with mediocrity. However, I do not love massage done poorly.
It is interesting to watch the story of my life in reverse. I never, NEVER thought that I would be a licensed massage therapist. I never thought I would teach it at a community college. Many people have no idea that I even do this (I teach kinesiology, anatomy and physiology and pathology for massage therapy...all the 'hard' stuff) So here's the story. It goes to show you how life can wind down and through the terrain creating paths never known or even hinted at before.
I went to massage school while I was working at the casino. The casino was a big lesson for me. What I learned most there was that I have to follow my heart; money is secondary in importance to me. Before the casino, I had a pretty nice job at Marycrest International University as Director of Performing Arts Activities and as an Admissions Representative. However the vibe there in admissions was becoming demeaning. I simply didn't resonate with the office environment. So when I got the chance to do entertainment at a casino, I took the plunge and applied, interviewed, second interviewed and got the job! I liked it for 6 weeks. When I realized that my path HAD to be directed from my heart, I began the search for something new to do.
Returning to Marycrest was not an option, so I settled in and asked, "What do I want to do now?" Massage popped into my awareness. The casino was such a place of noise and stress that I wonder sometimes if massage came to mind simply because it was as far opposite as I could get from the mental and emotional clutter of the gaming industry. Now I had considered massage many times before in my past and I finally had the finances to go to school. So I went. I worked over 60 hours a week and went to school at night. Rough patch of life looking back.
What I love about massage is the connection you make with your client and vice versa. A good massage therapist will connect with you; sense your overall vibe and diligently go to work to release tension in your muscles. It has been said (and I believe it, you don't have to) that muscle stores emtional energy. This would make sense as emotions are all caused by hormones coursing through our blood. Everything we feel as a correlation with a hormone. Pissy, hormone. Happy, hormone. Hungry, hormone. So as we feel things that make us tense, the musculature tightens around these hormones and actually keeps them at bay. Releasing muscle tension can also release emotional tension. I can't tell you how many times I've witnessed a client have an emotional release during a massage. It is usually some emotion releasing from the past. They have no idea why they are sad or angry, etc. But once it comes out, it comes out and they feel better. We seem to hold on to a lot of shit in our life. I do anyway.
Massage is also just a nice way to allow some intimacy and compassion in your life; for the client and the therapist. It's really a sad state of affairs when in our culture particularly, we equate intimacy with sex. Intimacy allows us to share at a deep level with someone else. Stroking someone's hair is intimate. Holding hands is intimate. Telling your worst fear is intimate. Sharing your hopes and ideas is intimate. Letting someone massage your body is intimate. Massaging someone else's body is intimate. It's a shame that our society has sanctioned off massage with the "happy ending" in many circles. The massage industry has combatted this for years. We are making headway, but more slowly than we'd like.
Babies die without touch. They will die without touch. Touch is so important to their growth and development. What changes throughout our life that we do not need touch? Adults need touch. Teens need touch. Seniors need touch. We all need touch. Touch is a physical way of opening up and allowing parts of your wall to be let down. It allows others to assist you; which is healing for both parties.
Compassion is a big part of my contemplation. Compassion is defined as realizing that we are all suffering and wanting to bring an end to it. Every one you meet is fighting an inner battle somehow. Every. One. Massage is one of those ways that we can bring about a whole new level of compassion to our planet. Massage focuses time and attention to a person in a loving, nonjudgmental environment. The person/client relaxes and receives a heavy dose of kindness and attention. It's funny because by giving someone attention and kindness, the therapist usually finds themselves feeling better after a massage as well. We are not meant to go the path or fight the fight, alone. By helping others, we literally and truly help ourselves.
I have been practicing massage for 10 years. I have been teaching massage for eight years; seems like 30. I tell my students at the beginning of every year that every household should have a massage table. You can get one at Sam's for about $100. General massage techniques should be learned by everyone so husbands can massasge their wives and moms can massage their kids and wives can massage their husbands. Now I can hear my fellow therapists out there clamouring that if that happened we would all be out of our jobs. I think quite the opposite. By teaching basics to the general population, more and more people would open up to the benefits of massage and more and more people would then want to visit a professional on a regular basis to work out the tough stuff.
For me, massage is a very noble profession, a very spirit filled profession. I am very happy to be a part of the training of massage therapists in the world. I wish it were more appreciated and respected in our society, but by training new therapists to respect and appreciate this art form, maybe we can make a difference.
The point: Life can be hard. We need compassion and help along the way. Touch is a way to show compassion. Compassion can change the world. Go rub some shoulders or arms or hands or feet tonight...and for longer than 5 minutes!!
Someday I will tell you how I got from theatre, to massage, back to theatre and how the Center came to be.
Sending you all of my blessings...
Dino
I am sitting in my classroom at BlackHawk College watching while the students exchange massage with each other. I offer some tidbits every now and then, but mostly let them go and explore their fledgling art. Soothing music is playing. They are moving slowly and are very focused. You can see the beginnings of compassionate caregivers in some of them already. I love massage done well. Hell, I love massage done with mediocrity. However, I do not love massage done poorly.
It is interesting to watch the story of my life in reverse. I never, NEVER thought that I would be a licensed massage therapist. I never thought I would teach it at a community college. Many people have no idea that I even do this (I teach kinesiology, anatomy and physiology and pathology for massage therapy...all the 'hard' stuff) So here's the story. It goes to show you how life can wind down and through the terrain creating paths never known or even hinted at before.
I went to massage school while I was working at the casino. The casino was a big lesson for me. What I learned most there was that I have to follow my heart; money is secondary in importance to me. Before the casino, I had a pretty nice job at Marycrest International University as Director of Performing Arts Activities and as an Admissions Representative. However the vibe there in admissions was becoming demeaning. I simply didn't resonate with the office environment. So when I got the chance to do entertainment at a casino, I took the plunge and applied, interviewed, second interviewed and got the job! I liked it for 6 weeks. When I realized that my path HAD to be directed from my heart, I began the search for something new to do.
Returning to Marycrest was not an option, so I settled in and asked, "What do I want to do now?" Massage popped into my awareness. The casino was such a place of noise and stress that I wonder sometimes if massage came to mind simply because it was as far opposite as I could get from the mental and emotional clutter of the gaming industry. Now I had considered massage many times before in my past and I finally had the finances to go to school. So I went. I worked over 60 hours a week and went to school at night. Rough patch of life looking back.
What I love about massage is the connection you make with your client and vice versa. A good massage therapist will connect with you; sense your overall vibe and diligently go to work to release tension in your muscles. It has been said (and I believe it, you don't have to) that muscle stores emtional energy. This would make sense as emotions are all caused by hormones coursing through our blood. Everything we feel as a correlation with a hormone. Pissy, hormone. Happy, hormone. Hungry, hormone. So as we feel things that make us tense, the musculature tightens around these hormones and actually keeps them at bay. Releasing muscle tension can also release emotional tension. I can't tell you how many times I've witnessed a client have an emotional release during a massage. It is usually some emotion releasing from the past. They have no idea why they are sad or angry, etc. But once it comes out, it comes out and they feel better. We seem to hold on to a lot of shit in our life. I do anyway.
Massage is also just a nice way to allow some intimacy and compassion in your life; for the client and the therapist. It's really a sad state of affairs when in our culture particularly, we equate intimacy with sex. Intimacy allows us to share at a deep level with someone else. Stroking someone's hair is intimate. Holding hands is intimate. Telling your worst fear is intimate. Sharing your hopes and ideas is intimate. Letting someone massage your body is intimate. Massaging someone else's body is intimate. It's a shame that our society has sanctioned off massage with the "happy ending" in many circles. The massage industry has combatted this for years. We are making headway, but more slowly than we'd like.
Babies die without touch. They will die without touch. Touch is so important to their growth and development. What changes throughout our life that we do not need touch? Adults need touch. Teens need touch. Seniors need touch. We all need touch. Touch is a physical way of opening up and allowing parts of your wall to be let down. It allows others to assist you; which is healing for both parties.
Compassion is a big part of my contemplation. Compassion is defined as realizing that we are all suffering and wanting to bring an end to it. Every one you meet is fighting an inner battle somehow. Every. One. Massage is one of those ways that we can bring about a whole new level of compassion to our planet. Massage focuses time and attention to a person in a loving, nonjudgmental environment. The person/client relaxes and receives a heavy dose of kindness and attention. It's funny because by giving someone attention and kindness, the therapist usually finds themselves feeling better after a massage as well. We are not meant to go the path or fight the fight, alone. By helping others, we literally and truly help ourselves.
I have been practicing massage for 10 years. I have been teaching massage for eight years; seems like 30. I tell my students at the beginning of every year that every household should have a massage table. You can get one at Sam's for about $100. General massage techniques should be learned by everyone so husbands can massasge their wives and moms can massage their kids and wives can massage their husbands. Now I can hear my fellow therapists out there clamouring that if that happened we would all be out of our jobs. I think quite the opposite. By teaching basics to the general population, more and more people would open up to the benefits of massage and more and more people would then want to visit a professional on a regular basis to work out the tough stuff.
For me, massage is a very noble profession, a very spirit filled profession. I am very happy to be a part of the training of massage therapists in the world. I wish it were more appreciated and respected in our society, but by training new therapists to respect and appreciate this art form, maybe we can make a difference.
The point: Life can be hard. We need compassion and help along the way. Touch is a way to show compassion. Compassion can change the world. Go rub some shoulders or arms or hands or feet tonight...and for longer than 5 minutes!!
Someday I will tell you how I got from theatre, to massage, back to theatre and how the Center came to be.
Sending you all of my blessings...
Dino
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
On Death. My God, really? A blog on death? Part one.
My centering is going pretty well. I've almost fallen asleep the last two days, but I have managed to stay awake. Teachers of Centering Prayer often say that it's ok to let yourself go and fall asleep on occasion. But honestly, I would feel like I somehow cheated if I took a snooze.
Well as you can tell, this blog is shaping out to be my meanderings on Centering Prayer AND topics that keep coming up in my mind while centering and just when I'm living the dream. So here goes.
I am fascinated with death. Always have been. I had a lovely coffee today with a chaplain and we discussed the desire to be of service to people who are dying and that has stayed with me all afternoon. I have several thoughts floating around about this subject, so I know there will be more to come; thus the 'part one.'
I remember the first time in my adult life that it 'hit' me that I was going to die. I think I was around 35. Now don't get me wrong, I have known that my eventual demise is coming, but it wasn't a secured knowing in my bones until around 35. I believe the cliche that most young people think they'll live forever. It's simply because they have not experienced the shift in energy or the emotional devastation that is left in the wake of the death of a loved one. It just isn't part of their story...yet.
But eventually it dawns on us that we will, indeed, stop being. The fact that in one hundred short years, nearly NONE of us will be here is certainly an eye opener. One hundred years may seem like a long time, but when you get to a certain age, 100 years isn't as long as we once thought.
This knowing can also occur to us by losing someone close; too close. My family has known more than it's fair share of unexpected deaths. In the last 8 years, I have lost 4 family members; the last being my dad in July. He mysteriously drowned on a routine fishing outing. He was in good health. He was only 64. He knew how to swim. We will never know why or how he passed. A horrible blow to my family; especially my mom. But it caused a shift in my being that has remained thus far. I think it will be a permanent shift as I was teetering on this anyway.
Like all true spiritual experiences, it is hard to put into words, but I will make an attempt. My father's death shifted my knowing and understanding of death into a very real 'space' in my being. It has removed my sense of fear surrounding it. We will die. All of us. Some will go quickly. Some unexpectedly. Some after a long hard battle. Some in our sleep. But we will all go.
Of course, you say. But this is more than just a thought for me now. It is a knowing. A peaceful knowing actually. It has opened my eyes to living more of my life in the present moment and to be mindful of every single day that I have been gifted. I cannot go for long without sensing the ultimate demise of everything that I see in my world. It does me no good to try and not think about it because the thought eventually seeps back in without my beckoning. I can't look at my wife deeply in the eyes without sensing her death and my loss. I can't walk behind Eli when he rides his trike without sensing that he will someday, hopefully, be an old man and will die. I can't look at my business and know that someday it will all be gone; dust.
Some may think that morbid, but it is just the opposite. It forces me to 'see' and 'be' with my wife and son. It forces me to relish these moments and to live from a more contented place. It pushes me to recognize every moment as a gift. Even the pissy moments. Sometimes when I do something that aggravates Tina (yes, I can actually aggravate that lady), I'll remind her that I will be dead someday and she'll just wish I was still here pissing her off. She would give her last breath for me to be upsetting her just one more time. It brings a sense of lightness and perspective to our relationship when things get a bit too heated.
All of this certainly doesn't take any emotion away such as sadness and the feeling of emptiness, but I wouldn't want it that way. I cried very hard for my dad. I still do. I always will. I cry sometimes just for my mom; for losing the love of her life so early. I cry for my dear friends, family really, who lost their loved one last year. The emotion death brings up is very real and very powerful. It reminds me that I am still here. Still among the living. And still able to share in the gift of life by waking the hell up to the fact that I am here.
The truth is any one of us could die in the next moment. That is the fact. Rather than running from that fact and trying not to look at it, it seems we would be better served to embrace this bit of reality. To truly live this day as if it were our last. I know it sounds cliche, but it's cliche because it is true. Our little lives are just too short to live in darkness without expressing the life and potential that we can.
My mom never got to say goodbye to her husband. He left on a routine fishing outing just like he had a thousand times before. He never came back. We can choose to take that part of the story and empower ourselves to live a more joyful, aware life. We can tell those closest to us how we really feel about them. We can even make it part of our language, "If I never see you again, know that I love you with all of my being."
Too much? I don't think so. I know my mother would have loved to hear those words before her lover left her for the last time. I know she would give away all that is dear to her to say those words to him now.
Screw being cheesy or overemotional. Everything ends. Everything. Everyone. We don't know when. Live and love while you can. Laugh and sing while you can. Hug and tickle while you can. Yell and scream while you can. Dance and bless while you can. Pee and poop while you can. Share all your light while you can.
I couldn't end that rant with the pee and poop part. A man has to have his boundaries.
I have heard it said that some cultures 'court' the angel of death. They invite 'her/him' every morning to their awareness as a reminder of the fact that all that comes, must eventually go. There is much wisdom there.
There is so much more I will say, but writing this has made me miss Tina and Eli. I better get home to see them while I still have them. And if I never see you again, know that I honor and respect you. I wish for you a life full of wonder and joy. May you truly bless and be blessed.
Dino
Well as you can tell, this blog is shaping out to be my meanderings on Centering Prayer AND topics that keep coming up in my mind while centering and just when I'm living the dream. So here goes.
I am fascinated with death. Always have been. I had a lovely coffee today with a chaplain and we discussed the desire to be of service to people who are dying and that has stayed with me all afternoon. I have several thoughts floating around about this subject, so I know there will be more to come; thus the 'part one.'
I remember the first time in my adult life that it 'hit' me that I was going to die. I think I was around 35. Now don't get me wrong, I have known that my eventual demise is coming, but it wasn't a secured knowing in my bones until around 35. I believe the cliche that most young people think they'll live forever. It's simply because they have not experienced the shift in energy or the emotional devastation that is left in the wake of the death of a loved one. It just isn't part of their story...yet.
But eventually it dawns on us that we will, indeed, stop being. The fact that in one hundred short years, nearly NONE of us will be here is certainly an eye opener. One hundred years may seem like a long time, but when you get to a certain age, 100 years isn't as long as we once thought.
This knowing can also occur to us by losing someone close; too close. My family has known more than it's fair share of unexpected deaths. In the last 8 years, I have lost 4 family members; the last being my dad in July. He mysteriously drowned on a routine fishing outing. He was in good health. He was only 64. He knew how to swim. We will never know why or how he passed. A horrible blow to my family; especially my mom. But it caused a shift in my being that has remained thus far. I think it will be a permanent shift as I was teetering on this anyway.
Like all true spiritual experiences, it is hard to put into words, but I will make an attempt. My father's death shifted my knowing and understanding of death into a very real 'space' in my being. It has removed my sense of fear surrounding it. We will die. All of us. Some will go quickly. Some unexpectedly. Some after a long hard battle. Some in our sleep. But we will all go.
Of course, you say. But this is more than just a thought for me now. It is a knowing. A peaceful knowing actually. It has opened my eyes to living more of my life in the present moment and to be mindful of every single day that I have been gifted. I cannot go for long without sensing the ultimate demise of everything that I see in my world. It does me no good to try and not think about it because the thought eventually seeps back in without my beckoning. I can't look at my wife deeply in the eyes without sensing her death and my loss. I can't walk behind Eli when he rides his trike without sensing that he will someday, hopefully, be an old man and will die. I can't look at my business and know that someday it will all be gone; dust.
Some may think that morbid, but it is just the opposite. It forces me to 'see' and 'be' with my wife and son. It forces me to relish these moments and to live from a more contented place. It pushes me to recognize every moment as a gift. Even the pissy moments. Sometimes when I do something that aggravates Tina (yes, I can actually aggravate that lady), I'll remind her that I will be dead someday and she'll just wish I was still here pissing her off. She would give her last breath for me to be upsetting her just one more time. It brings a sense of lightness and perspective to our relationship when things get a bit too heated.
All of this certainly doesn't take any emotion away such as sadness and the feeling of emptiness, but I wouldn't want it that way. I cried very hard for my dad. I still do. I always will. I cry sometimes just for my mom; for losing the love of her life so early. I cry for my dear friends, family really, who lost their loved one last year. The emotion death brings up is very real and very powerful. It reminds me that I am still here. Still among the living. And still able to share in the gift of life by waking the hell up to the fact that I am here.
The truth is any one of us could die in the next moment. That is the fact. Rather than running from that fact and trying not to look at it, it seems we would be better served to embrace this bit of reality. To truly live this day as if it were our last. I know it sounds cliche, but it's cliche because it is true. Our little lives are just too short to live in darkness without expressing the life and potential that we can.
My mom never got to say goodbye to her husband. He left on a routine fishing outing just like he had a thousand times before. He never came back. We can choose to take that part of the story and empower ourselves to live a more joyful, aware life. We can tell those closest to us how we really feel about them. We can even make it part of our language, "If I never see you again, know that I love you with all of my being."
Too much? I don't think so. I know my mother would have loved to hear those words before her lover left her for the last time. I know she would give away all that is dear to her to say those words to him now.
Screw being cheesy or overemotional. Everything ends. Everything. Everyone. We don't know when. Live and love while you can. Laugh and sing while you can. Hug and tickle while you can. Yell and scream while you can. Dance and bless while you can. Pee and poop while you can. Share all your light while you can.
I couldn't end that rant with the pee and poop part. A man has to have his boundaries.
I have heard it said that some cultures 'court' the angel of death. They invite 'her/him' every morning to their awareness as a reminder of the fact that all that comes, must eventually go. There is much wisdom there.
There is so much more I will say, but writing this has made me miss Tina and Eli. I better get home to see them while I still have them. And if I never see you again, know that I honor and respect you. I wish for you a life full of wonder and joy. May you truly bless and be blessed.
Dino
Monday, December 5, 2011
On Choice
I hope your weekend was good. We had completely sold out shows for our production of Schoolhouse Rock Live! We are very grateful for our cast and families that support our mission of bringing the benefits of the arts to kids. Now on to task...
I have stuck to my resolve every day so far and have maintained my practice of Centering Prayer. I certainly do feel more at ease than I did last week at this time and my stress level during the weekend was lower than I would have expected. This is good. I am very glad that I have made this a priority.
I have been thinking about it and wanted to clarify a statement I made last week,
"I have long stopped believing that I am in control of much of anything. My best thinking has gotten me into some doosies! I enjoy the line, "Where would you have me go? What would you have me do? Who would you have me speak to? What would you have me say?"
Does this mean that I believe I have no choice in my life? Yes. And No. I really believe that choice is relative. I used to believe that people choose their entire destiny, but I do not believe that anymore. Choice requires awareness. Everyone has different levels of awareness. If someone is truly not aware that they are suffering from their own choices and decisions, can they really have choice in the matter?
Now I can certainly look at someone else and realize that they are making a lot of extra drama in their lives. I can realize that they are in fact choosing the drama by their actions and attitudes. I can even tell them all about it and tell them that they can control their life. But unless they have the 'in the bones' awareness of that truth, I do not believe they have any choice in the matter. They are simply acting out of conditioning; and breaking conditioning is a tough gig.
As for my own life and how much CHOICE I have, I would certainly say that I have a good deal of choice and control on a relative scale. But when it comes down to it, I do wonder how much control I have regarding my circumstances. I think it has to do with the depth at which a person lives their life.
When I speak about guidance during prayer, I am never asking some 'God out there' to show me the way. I am sinking into my depths and asking my heart what is best for me. That is where I feel that God is; in my heart. So I turn to my heart for guidance on a regular basis. And to be honest with you, the more I turn to my heart; the more I listen. And the more I listen; the less the choice I feel like I really have in the matter. I can certainly choose to not listen of course, but why would I want to do that?
When I look at the big moments of my life: meeting/loving/marrying Tina, bringing Eli into the world and opening up the Center...these did not feel like I chose them. It feels more like they chose me. I couldn't resist the pull of the heart to manifest these things/happenings/people in my life. It's as if it was pre-destined, or better yet, part of my inherent potential to bring these things into world. They were calling to me my entire life.
Sure I could have said no. In fact, I did say no at least once to all three of these blessings in my life. But I am too in touch with my inner guidance (heart) to resist its promptings. So do I have choice or control here? I'll let you wrestle with that. I have given up trying to 'figure it out' with my rational mind, because it is impossible. None of these things were rational. If I would have followed my rational mind exclusively, none of it would have occured. Plus there were so many synchronicities and small miracles that occured to bring them about, I cannot deny the feeling of 'something more' at work in my life.
Many times in my life I have wondered what it would have been like if I would have chosen a REAL major in college that provided a good career with substantial income. I can't tell you how many times I wish I just would have gone into accounting or business. But honestly my heart would have been so ignored and my life so full of misery, regret and hate that I wonder if I would have lived this long. An acorn has within it, the programming to be the OAK. The baby chick has the programming within it to be a rooster. Why would it not be the same for us? We all have specialized programming within that will lead us to our 'right' action in the world; if we let it.
I used to work for a casino. I made a nice income. I had great benefits. I was debt free. Money was not an issue for me at all. But it was the most dead time of my life; full of angst and fear of a level that I would never wish upon anyone. Now I work for myself and teach massage part time at a community college. I do theatre with kids and young adults. I constantly struggle with finances, but I am happy with my work. I enjoy what I do. I love the people that I get to spend time with. It is a period of great aliveness for me.
I could have chosen to stay at the casino by being a bit less of who I am and kissing up to the powers that be. But that would have been a poor choice for me and not true to my heart at all.
I see within Eli his potential. He has such a sweet, caring soul. He loves music. He loves to pretend. I wonder what his programming will lead him to become?
I believe our paths and our lives are controlled by our internal 'wiring.' Sure I have choice and some control by saying yes or no to my wiring, but I wonder how far I could go off course before my wiring would pull me back on track?
Kind of a scattered post today. But as Eli says, "cause that's the way it is."
Blessings to you!
Dino
I have stuck to my resolve every day so far and have maintained my practice of Centering Prayer. I certainly do feel more at ease than I did last week at this time and my stress level during the weekend was lower than I would have expected. This is good. I am very glad that I have made this a priority.
I have been thinking about it and wanted to clarify a statement I made last week,
"I have long stopped believing that I am in control of much of anything. My best thinking has gotten me into some doosies! I enjoy the line, "Where would you have me go? What would you have me do? Who would you have me speak to? What would you have me say?"
Does this mean that I believe I have no choice in my life? Yes. And No. I really believe that choice is relative. I used to believe that people choose their entire destiny, but I do not believe that anymore. Choice requires awareness. Everyone has different levels of awareness. If someone is truly not aware that they are suffering from their own choices and decisions, can they really have choice in the matter?
Now I can certainly look at someone else and realize that they are making a lot of extra drama in their lives. I can realize that they are in fact choosing the drama by their actions and attitudes. I can even tell them all about it and tell them that they can control their life. But unless they have the 'in the bones' awareness of that truth, I do not believe they have any choice in the matter. They are simply acting out of conditioning; and breaking conditioning is a tough gig.
As for my own life and how much CHOICE I have, I would certainly say that I have a good deal of choice and control on a relative scale. But when it comes down to it, I do wonder how much control I have regarding my circumstances. I think it has to do with the depth at which a person lives their life.
When I speak about guidance during prayer, I am never asking some 'God out there' to show me the way. I am sinking into my depths and asking my heart what is best for me. That is where I feel that God is; in my heart. So I turn to my heart for guidance on a regular basis. And to be honest with you, the more I turn to my heart; the more I listen. And the more I listen; the less the choice I feel like I really have in the matter. I can certainly choose to not listen of course, but why would I want to do that?
When I look at the big moments of my life: meeting/loving/marrying Tina, bringing Eli into the world and opening up the Center...these did not feel like I chose them. It feels more like they chose me. I couldn't resist the pull of the heart to manifest these things/happenings/people in my life. It's as if it was pre-destined, or better yet, part of my inherent potential to bring these things into world. They were calling to me my entire life.
Sure I could have said no. In fact, I did say no at least once to all three of these blessings in my life. But I am too in touch with my inner guidance (heart) to resist its promptings. So do I have choice or control here? I'll let you wrestle with that. I have given up trying to 'figure it out' with my rational mind, because it is impossible. None of these things were rational. If I would have followed my rational mind exclusively, none of it would have occured. Plus there were so many synchronicities and small miracles that occured to bring them about, I cannot deny the feeling of 'something more' at work in my life.
Many times in my life I have wondered what it would have been like if I would have chosen a REAL major in college that provided a good career with substantial income. I can't tell you how many times I wish I just would have gone into accounting or business. But honestly my heart would have been so ignored and my life so full of misery, regret and hate that I wonder if I would have lived this long. An acorn has within it, the programming to be the OAK. The baby chick has the programming within it to be a rooster. Why would it not be the same for us? We all have specialized programming within that will lead us to our 'right' action in the world; if we let it.
I used to work for a casino. I made a nice income. I had great benefits. I was debt free. Money was not an issue for me at all. But it was the most dead time of my life; full of angst and fear of a level that I would never wish upon anyone. Now I work for myself and teach massage part time at a community college. I do theatre with kids and young adults. I constantly struggle with finances, but I am happy with my work. I enjoy what I do. I love the people that I get to spend time with. It is a period of great aliveness for me.
I could have chosen to stay at the casino by being a bit less of who I am and kissing up to the powers that be. But that would have been a poor choice for me and not true to my heart at all.
I see within Eli his potential. He has such a sweet, caring soul. He loves music. He loves to pretend. I wonder what his programming will lead him to become?
I believe our paths and our lives are controlled by our internal 'wiring.' Sure I have choice and some control by saying yes or no to my wiring, but I wonder how far I could go off course before my wiring would pull me back on track?
Kind of a scattered post today. But as Eli says, "cause that's the way it is."
Blessings to you!
Dino
Saturday, December 3, 2011
Sabbath, part one.
We have a full day of shows and so far with lessons this morning, an afternoon matinee and 'babysitting' between shows, there has not been a centering session today. I will/must take my time tonight before bedtime. I am determined to have at least one session every day; by God!! (:
However, I have decided to put some more space between my posts; at least taking Sundays off. For about the last year, Tina and I have been consciously celebrating the Sabbath on Sundays. It is a day that we stay away from computers, phones and stores if at all possible. It is a day to be together. A day to honor our family and our time together.
We feast on this day. All dietary restrictions are lifted for this day (if we have any). We build a fire, read, go for walks, play with Eli, drink special 'Sunday coffee and drink wine....or beer...a few weeks ago I had a hot tottie; it was delicious.
It is very interesting because we consciously choose to be relaxed on this day. We choose to breathe deeply and walk slowly. We choose a brighter attitude. We choose love. We give ourselves permission to be at ease. We purposefully turn down anything that would put undue stress on our lives. Most of the time.
It's amazing how that choice at the beginning of the day can change the whole vibe of that 24 hours. We go back to work rested, at ease and ready to start a new week. I highly recommend this practice. We 'toyed around' with the idea of celebrating the Sabbath for several months before we finally took the plunge. I am so happy we did. And now...it's nearly a non-negotiable. Some days we have work to do that cannot wait so we do it as quickly as we can. The Sabbath was made for us, not us for it. So if we must work, we work and then get to Sabbath as soon as we can.
A few weeks ago, we had a performance of Godspell on our Sabbath and didn't get home and settled until after 6pm. We poured a glass of wine and said, 'happy Sabbath.' It doesn't matter if we get the whole day or simply a few moments of conscious settling time. We take what we can get.
So having said all of that, I will declare my Sundays to be Sabbath and thus, will not post on that day. However, I will Center.
Now back to hanging with a group of k-9er's. Our shows this weekend have ALL sold out!!
Blessings,
Dino
However, I have decided to put some more space between my posts; at least taking Sundays off. For about the last year, Tina and I have been consciously celebrating the Sabbath on Sundays. It is a day that we stay away from computers, phones and stores if at all possible. It is a day to be together. A day to honor our family and our time together.
We feast on this day. All dietary restrictions are lifted for this day (if we have any). We build a fire, read, go for walks, play with Eli, drink special 'Sunday coffee and drink wine....or beer...a few weeks ago I had a hot tottie; it was delicious.
It is very interesting because we consciously choose to be relaxed on this day. We choose to breathe deeply and walk slowly. We choose a brighter attitude. We choose love. We give ourselves permission to be at ease. We purposefully turn down anything that would put undue stress on our lives. Most of the time.
It's amazing how that choice at the beginning of the day can change the whole vibe of that 24 hours. We go back to work rested, at ease and ready to start a new week. I highly recommend this practice. We 'toyed around' with the idea of celebrating the Sabbath for several months before we finally took the plunge. I am so happy we did. And now...it's nearly a non-negotiable. Some days we have work to do that cannot wait so we do it as quickly as we can. The Sabbath was made for us, not us for it. So if we must work, we work and then get to Sabbath as soon as we can.
A few weeks ago, we had a performance of Godspell on our Sabbath and didn't get home and settled until after 6pm. We poured a glass of wine and said, 'happy Sabbath.' It doesn't matter if we get the whole day or simply a few moments of conscious settling time. We take what we can get.
So having said all of that, I will declare my Sundays to be Sabbath and thus, will not post on that day. However, I will Center.
Now back to hanging with a group of k-9er's. Our shows this weekend have ALL sold out!!
Blessings,
Dino
Friday, December 2, 2011
Day Four. You Can't Suck at Meditation
Another quick post as we are in that little zone on "Papa and Eli Fridays" where he is attempting a nap (Eli) and I have a few moments before Mama gets home and I head into the theatre. I tried to nap myself. Gave myself a limit of 45 minutes and was out cold for about.......7 minutes. Oh well, I'll take what I can get.
Today's Centering Prayer session was another early one. My sleep has been very disturbed the last few months. Either the boy, the bladder or the cat. So up today at 4am. Settled in for a nice centering session and was bombarded with thought after thought. So I watched, got caught up, remembered, got caught up, got caught up, got caught up, remembered, got caught up, etc, The time truly seemed like hours had passed. At one point I questioned whether or not my timer had stopped working. Nothing too mystical or divine today. At least on the surface.
I was reminded today of how easy it would be to simply give up on this practice...and it's only day FOUR! You're sitting there being tossed about by thought and emotion and trying your best to keep your sacred word in the mix. But I remember hearing the phrase, "you can't suck at meditation...other than by getting up and walking away."
It's just part of the process. It's like anything else. I remember when I first started running in the mornings. The idea of running was so intriguing and fun. The actual running was hard and got me out of breath and sometimes made my legs hurt. I almost gave up after day two. But after a few weeks, I could definitely tell a difference in my energy level and my mobility. The same holds true here. That silence, even attempted silence; or dis-identification, with thought creates a cumulative effect. The point is you're there. You're doing it. And the attempt, the willingness on your part to go to a deeper place is what truly allows the miracle to happen.
You just CAN'T suck at meditation.
Soon, I want to deviate into some other issues coming up through this Centering. Some issues have been there for years and seem to have more of an edge now. It's like the Centering sessions have re-ignited them in a sense. Some issues seem brand new. Shining light into the darkness scatters the darkness for sure, but with the added light, you see a lot more of the stuff that was 'hiding' in the dark. But more on all of that later.
Sending you all love and peace on your journey. Blessings.
Dino
Today's Centering Prayer session was another early one. My sleep has been very disturbed the last few months. Either the boy, the bladder or the cat. So up today at 4am. Settled in for a nice centering session and was bombarded with thought after thought. So I watched, got caught up, remembered, got caught up, got caught up, got caught up, remembered, got caught up, etc, The time truly seemed like hours had passed. At one point I questioned whether or not my timer had stopped working. Nothing too mystical or divine today. At least on the surface.
I was reminded today of how easy it would be to simply give up on this practice...and it's only day FOUR! You're sitting there being tossed about by thought and emotion and trying your best to keep your sacred word in the mix. But I remember hearing the phrase, "you can't suck at meditation...other than by getting up and walking away."
It's just part of the process. It's like anything else. I remember when I first started running in the mornings. The idea of running was so intriguing and fun. The actual running was hard and got me out of breath and sometimes made my legs hurt. I almost gave up after day two. But after a few weeks, I could definitely tell a difference in my energy level and my mobility. The same holds true here. That silence, even attempted silence; or dis-identification, with thought creates a cumulative effect. The point is you're there. You're doing it. And the attempt, the willingness on your part to go to a deeper place is what truly allows the miracle to happen.
You just CAN'T suck at meditation.
Soon, I want to deviate into some other issues coming up through this Centering. Some issues have been there for years and seem to have more of an edge now. It's like the Centering sessions have re-ignited them in a sense. Some issues seem brand new. Shining light into the darkness scatters the darkness for sure, but with the added light, you see a lot more of the stuff that was 'hiding' in the dark. But more on all of that later.
Sending you all love and peace on your journey. Blessings.
Dino
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Day Three. Dear God, Are you there? It's me. Dino.....(hayz).
Today's post will be a bit short as I am behind on getting everything ready for our production of Schoolhouse Rock. But I have promised myself that I would make this a priority in my life; a non-negotiable. So everyday I make some time to Center and everyday I make sometime to post, no matter what.
My session was full of thought today. I kept returning to my many tasks waiting to get completed for our show tomorrow night and our final rehearsal today. So my 'sacred word' was nearly a mantra today. I'm reminded of the story of the nun who said to Fr. Thomas Keating after her first session, "Father, I'm a complete failure at this. I had at least 10,000 thoughts. I had to keep repeating my sacred word over and over." To which he replied, "That is not failure. You returned to God 10,000 times in 20 minutes."
I like that.
I wanted to discuss the meaning of PRAYER today. This practice that I am undertaking is called Centering Prayer, but it is certainly not the type of prayer that I was raised with growing up. That prayer had a lot of me talking to God, usually begging for a snow day and a girlfriend. Centering Prayer uses only one word. The sacred word. And it is only sacred because it reminds to you simply surrender and return to sitting in God. It can be any word of one or two syllables. It shouldn't carry much of an emotional charge for you either; all the easier to get you identified with thought. "Peace. Love. God. Christ. Abba. Gum. Popcorn...." Any of those would do...unless you are really hungry.
What is prayer? There are certainly different types, but I think all prayer can be boiled down to 'communion.' Bringing yourself to a 'space' of openness and joining with God, your higher self, Christ, Buddha, etc. Whatever happens in that space is what makes the different type of prayer. Centering prayer simply honors that space and allows us to eventually bring some of that space into our world. (more on that space at a later time...it's a biggy)
But what about the prayer for a friend? What about praying for goodness in your life? What about praying for the Cubbies to 'bring it home!'? I think all of those prayers have a place in our spiritual life. I have mostly let go of praying for snowdays or praying for other people to be different than they are, but I still pray for my students at the Center for every show. I still pray for healing when I or a loved one am ill. I pray for guidance. I pray to let off steam. I pray a lot.
But I tell you, I have had long runs of not praying at all. Mainly because my definition of God has shifted so much from my youth. I don't believe in the God who will grant me millions in the lottery. I stopped asking for things awhile back. But I don't think there's a damn thing wrong with asking for any of that either. I think whatever level of consciousness you are at; there is a form of prayer that goes with it. Sometimes when I'm feeling overwhelmed with life situations, I will pray for things; like I'm asking my daddy to fix it for me. Sometimes I'm feeling calm and centered and my only prayer is for one of spreading peace and compassion in the world. Sometimes I don't use any words at all. I just rest in God/Life and let that surrender be my prayer. That is my favorite kind of prayer. We have different levels of consciousness and mood everyday and it seems to me there's a prayer for every one.
I do believe prayer changes things. I do believe that the entire Universe will shift in response to prayer. I've had too many prayers answered in an 'in your face' type of way to doubt the power of prayer. When my former employer told me she was closing up shop, I went home and got on my knees and prayed. For guidance. Do I continue to teach? Should I focus more on the Center? Where should I go? The very next day I got a call from my former boss at Blackhawk College asking me if there was ANY WAY that I would be interested in returning. She had no knowledge of my circumstances. Some would say that was only a coincidence. I would say that those people do not allow for enough magic in their lives. I've had countless experiences like this. Usually when I am forced to my knees and asking for help.
I do not believe that God/Life/Universe will only come to provide guidance by forcing me to my knees. To me, that whole going down to my knees thing is about me getting out of the way of myself. Realizing that I (my small, scared self) do not have the answers to everything. Tina has told me that she could feel when people were praying for her when she was in the hospital. She could actually feel the love and energy coming her way. I don't doubt it for a second. Her recovery was amazing.
I was up this morning at 2am for a bit, so I decided to pray. It was an amazing feeling as I began to quiet myself and open up to God/Life/Universe/Mystery. I could actually feel my inner body start to vibrate at a higher, more pristine level. So I prayed for my friends who are struggling. I prayed for the people in my life who piss me off without end. I prayed for my little boy. I prayed for my wife. I fell asleep from that space. I woke up in joy this morning. I woke up at peace.
So what if there is no God out there? What if my praying is all self-delusion, mind over matter? I don't care. I feel a connection with something. I feel me opening up to a deeper part of myself. As I have said, I believe God to be a Mystery. I doubt we'll ever have any proof. Other than those who bring divine attributes like love, peace and compassion through into this world. And honestly, that's all the proof I'll ever need.
Well, I gotta go! The show must go on! Please say a prayer for us to let our light shine this weekend! To let go of being nervous and to be the best US that we can be! I will say that same prayer for you!
Blessings,
Dino
My session was full of thought today. I kept returning to my many tasks waiting to get completed for our show tomorrow night and our final rehearsal today. So my 'sacred word' was nearly a mantra today. I'm reminded of the story of the nun who said to Fr. Thomas Keating after her first session, "Father, I'm a complete failure at this. I had at least 10,000 thoughts. I had to keep repeating my sacred word over and over." To which he replied, "That is not failure. You returned to God 10,000 times in 20 minutes."
I like that.
I wanted to discuss the meaning of PRAYER today. This practice that I am undertaking is called Centering Prayer, but it is certainly not the type of prayer that I was raised with growing up. That prayer had a lot of me talking to God, usually begging for a snow day and a girlfriend. Centering Prayer uses only one word. The sacred word. And it is only sacred because it reminds to you simply surrender and return to sitting in God. It can be any word of one or two syllables. It shouldn't carry much of an emotional charge for you either; all the easier to get you identified with thought. "Peace. Love. God. Christ. Abba. Gum. Popcorn...." Any of those would do...unless you are really hungry.
What is prayer? There are certainly different types, but I think all prayer can be boiled down to 'communion.' Bringing yourself to a 'space' of openness and joining with God, your higher self, Christ, Buddha, etc. Whatever happens in that space is what makes the different type of prayer. Centering prayer simply honors that space and allows us to eventually bring some of that space into our world. (more on that space at a later time...it's a biggy)
But what about the prayer for a friend? What about praying for goodness in your life? What about praying for the Cubbies to 'bring it home!'? I think all of those prayers have a place in our spiritual life. I have mostly let go of praying for snowdays or praying for other people to be different than they are, but I still pray for my students at the Center for every show. I still pray for healing when I or a loved one am ill. I pray for guidance. I pray to let off steam. I pray a lot.
But I tell you, I have had long runs of not praying at all. Mainly because my definition of God has shifted so much from my youth. I don't believe in the God who will grant me millions in the lottery. I stopped asking for things awhile back. But I don't think there's a damn thing wrong with asking for any of that either. I think whatever level of consciousness you are at; there is a form of prayer that goes with it. Sometimes when I'm feeling overwhelmed with life situations, I will pray for things; like I'm asking my daddy to fix it for me. Sometimes I'm feeling calm and centered and my only prayer is for one of spreading peace and compassion in the world. Sometimes I don't use any words at all. I just rest in God/Life and let that surrender be my prayer. That is my favorite kind of prayer. We have different levels of consciousness and mood everyday and it seems to me there's a prayer for every one.
I do believe prayer changes things. I do believe that the entire Universe will shift in response to prayer. I've had too many prayers answered in an 'in your face' type of way to doubt the power of prayer. When my former employer told me she was closing up shop, I went home and got on my knees and prayed. For guidance. Do I continue to teach? Should I focus more on the Center? Where should I go? The very next day I got a call from my former boss at Blackhawk College asking me if there was ANY WAY that I would be interested in returning. She had no knowledge of my circumstances. Some would say that was only a coincidence. I would say that those people do not allow for enough magic in their lives. I've had countless experiences like this. Usually when I am forced to my knees and asking for help.
I do not believe that God/Life/Universe will only come to provide guidance by forcing me to my knees. To me, that whole going down to my knees thing is about me getting out of the way of myself. Realizing that I (my small, scared self) do not have the answers to everything. Tina has told me that she could feel when people were praying for her when she was in the hospital. She could actually feel the love and energy coming her way. I don't doubt it for a second. Her recovery was amazing.
I was up this morning at 2am for a bit, so I decided to pray. It was an amazing feeling as I began to quiet myself and open up to God/Life/Universe/Mystery. I could actually feel my inner body start to vibrate at a higher, more pristine level. So I prayed for my friends who are struggling. I prayed for the people in my life who piss me off without end. I prayed for my little boy. I prayed for my wife. I fell asleep from that space. I woke up in joy this morning. I woke up at peace.
So what if there is no God out there? What if my praying is all self-delusion, mind over matter? I don't care. I feel a connection with something. I feel me opening up to a deeper part of myself. As I have said, I believe God to be a Mystery. I doubt we'll ever have any proof. Other than those who bring divine attributes like love, peace and compassion through into this world. And honestly, that's all the proof I'll ever need.
Well, I gotta go! The show must go on! Please say a prayer for us to let our light shine this weekend! To let go of being nervous and to be the best US that we can be! I will say that same prayer for you!
Blessings,
Dino
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Day Two. Thoughts on Thought
Well, day two of my year-long daily post regarding Centering Prayer and finding Center. What I love most about this process is the absolutely insane amount and breadth of topic this post can cover. So let's dig in!
How was Centering Prayer today?
Pretty much textbook today. A bit above average; what one would hope for. It was a nice and easy transition into the session today. Centering Prayer is many times called a prayer or practice of Intention, rather than Attention. You simply intend to rest in God; to sit and let Life, God, whatever do the rest. You just be. When you notice thoughts or that you are involved with a thought/story/itch, etc, you gently repeat your sacred word to remind you of your intention of sitting. Today was good. Easy. Peaceful. Nice.
As I 'came back' to the world, I sat in my chair with eyes open and just remained quiet for a bit. I watched the thoughts coming back to their normal flow as they had actually slowed down. I was able to watch them for quite awhile without being hooked by any of them. Amazing. Kind of...
I realized (once again...I've realized this many times in my life...I just don't stay with it) that I am not my thoughts. That may sound pretty mundane, but I think if you really look at it, it is a profound realization that has world changing implications. So, I'm sitting there during my centering and I'm relatively peaceful. Thoughts are playing about in my head. I'm simply watching them, not reacting, just noticing. Then before too long, I discover that I have been 'gone' for what seems like several minutes. This particular time I got caught up in remembering how I would always step in dog poop in my yard when I was a kid. Eli stepped in dog poop three times so far. I would love to get a puppy for Eli, but we need to put up a new section of fence in our yard to keep the poop in one area, but that wouldn't be much fun for us to play as a family in a little tiny fenced-in area when we have a nice yard to play and run about in. I guess I could clean up the poop everyday. But I don't want to do that. I'm busy enough as it is. We are really hardly ever home right now. Maybe when Eli is a bit older. Maybe when our life settles down a bit. Maybe we shouldn't ever get a dog. We have a cat. The cat isn't very playful with Eli. I like dogs and cats. Some people don't but I like them both. But a dog would be nice. I wouldn't mind having a dog. Except for all the poop...
Then I realized I was involved with thought....
I introduced my 'sacred' word and reminded myself to rest. I surrendered the thought and sat.
My whole session was like this; a bit of sitting, a bit of thinking; a remembering and then more sitting (rinse and repeat).
But one thing was clear during this session; I am not my thoughts. My thoughts come and go all on their own. I did not chose to think about dog poop. It just happened and I got caught up in it; sounds disgusting, I know! But if you look closely you can surely see that there was 'me' sitting there WATCHING thoughts, where there was a definite distinction between ME and a THOUGHT. During the whole poop episode, that was not the case. I did not even notice a thought was happening. I was simply involved completely with the scenario. Caught up. Locked away. Imprisoned in a world with dog poop in the yard. BUT THEN I REMEMBERED. And all of a sudden, I was me again, watching the thoughts go by.
I sure hope this makes sense. It was really pretty easy to experience it, but very hard to put into words. I'll try it simpler.
Sometimes I'm not so caught up in my thoughts that I can just watch them come and go. Sometimes I AM so caught up in them that I lose myself completely. It's as if I become the thoughts.
I think I "live" in that last sentence quite a bit. I think that's why I feel so off center a good chunk of the time. Since my thoughts can flit from subject to subject with the greatest of ease, it would make sense that if I am 'identified' with my thoughts and 'lost' that my feeling of centeredness would be nearly non-existent. Hmmm.
So a practice of meditation becomes simply a practice of learning to disengage from your thoughts. Not really going QUIET, but simply not IDENTIFYING with the thoughts as they pass by; letting them go, surrendering. Well, that would be ONE definition of meditation. There are certainly more definitions than that, but this one seems to suit my experience today.
I was thinking today about the purpose of this whole experiment and while I stated early on that I have no 'place' special I want to arrive, I certainly DO want to experience a better world; a better life. My inner knowing tells me that I am demonstrating so much less than I actually AM. I think there's a line in the Lion King when Mufasa comes to Simba in a dream and says, "You are so much more than you are allowing yourself to be." Poorly paraphrased, I know, but DANG...there is some wisdom there! I believe, nay, KNOW that is the truth for myself and EVERYONE. So how do we get there? And if we are truly divine at our core, how do we get rid of all the junk that surrounds it?
Can Centering Prayer do it? There are thousands of people who say yes. Can I keep attempting to visit my depths hoping to throw out a little bit of crap every time I say my sacred word? Will there be a time when I have cleared (surrendered) enough of the junk of my inner world that my truest light will simply burst through? That's the meaning of this experiment. After a year of centering daily will I exhibit more of my light into this world? I have hope. I certainly don't expect to be able to walk through walls, levitate and heal disease, but if I can live from a more centered, peaceful place on a consistent basis, I can make a profound difference in 'my part of the garden.' And that will be enough.
I have also realized something else through this short time so far. I have come to the conclusion that I do not believe in the concept of original sin. I do not believe that we are flawed at our core. I believe that we are divine at our core. We are simply covered over with a bunch of flawed programming from our parents, friends and society. And I think we are also 'lost in thought.' If we could remove this dirty, tired, outer-shell of what most of us take for ourselves and look deeper, I believe we would find our true nature, our divinity, our Home. I am hopeful Centering Prayer can be a WAY home.
The vision of looking at violent waves on the surface of the ocean during a storm comes to mind. That is how our thoughts are; especially during times of stress. But if we could look at those waves and then sink underneath the water, we would certainly find that the deeper we went, the more tranquil the water would become. At the very depths, we would possibly be unaware of the storm overhead, except for the slightest movement of water gently brushing our cheek. We could look up and see the waves, but would be mostly unaffected by them. To me, this is a place of true power. I think a good many people are fascinated with 'hurricanes.' I guess I've been tossed around on the surface enough. I'm ready to go deeper. While the 'winds of my youth' were certainly exciting, their superficiality has lost all appeal for me. I'm ready to go deeper, all the way down to the source.
Blessings,
Dino
How was Centering Prayer today?
Pretty much textbook today. A bit above average; what one would hope for. It was a nice and easy transition into the session today. Centering Prayer is many times called a prayer or practice of Intention, rather than Attention. You simply intend to rest in God; to sit and let Life, God, whatever do the rest. You just be. When you notice thoughts or that you are involved with a thought/story/itch, etc, you gently repeat your sacred word to remind you of your intention of sitting. Today was good. Easy. Peaceful. Nice.
As I 'came back' to the world, I sat in my chair with eyes open and just remained quiet for a bit. I watched the thoughts coming back to their normal flow as they had actually slowed down. I was able to watch them for quite awhile without being hooked by any of them. Amazing. Kind of...
I realized (once again...I've realized this many times in my life...I just don't stay with it) that I am not my thoughts. That may sound pretty mundane, but I think if you really look at it, it is a profound realization that has world changing implications. So, I'm sitting there during my centering and I'm relatively peaceful. Thoughts are playing about in my head. I'm simply watching them, not reacting, just noticing. Then before too long, I discover that I have been 'gone' for what seems like several minutes. This particular time I got caught up in remembering how I would always step in dog poop in my yard when I was a kid. Eli stepped in dog poop three times so far. I would love to get a puppy for Eli, but we need to put up a new section of fence in our yard to keep the poop in one area, but that wouldn't be much fun for us to play as a family in a little tiny fenced-in area when we have a nice yard to play and run about in. I guess I could clean up the poop everyday. But I don't want to do that. I'm busy enough as it is. We are really hardly ever home right now. Maybe when Eli is a bit older. Maybe when our life settles down a bit. Maybe we shouldn't ever get a dog. We have a cat. The cat isn't very playful with Eli. I like dogs and cats. Some people don't but I like them both. But a dog would be nice. I wouldn't mind having a dog. Except for all the poop...
Then I realized I was involved with thought....
I introduced my 'sacred' word and reminded myself to rest. I surrendered the thought and sat.
My whole session was like this; a bit of sitting, a bit of thinking; a remembering and then more sitting (rinse and repeat).
But one thing was clear during this session; I am not my thoughts. My thoughts come and go all on their own. I did not chose to think about dog poop. It just happened and I got caught up in it; sounds disgusting, I know! But if you look closely you can surely see that there was 'me' sitting there WATCHING thoughts, where there was a definite distinction between ME and a THOUGHT. During the whole poop episode, that was not the case. I did not even notice a thought was happening. I was simply involved completely with the scenario. Caught up. Locked away. Imprisoned in a world with dog poop in the yard. BUT THEN I REMEMBERED. And all of a sudden, I was me again, watching the thoughts go by.
I sure hope this makes sense. It was really pretty easy to experience it, but very hard to put into words. I'll try it simpler.
Sometimes I'm not so caught up in my thoughts that I can just watch them come and go. Sometimes I AM so caught up in them that I lose myself completely. It's as if I become the thoughts.
I think I "live" in that last sentence quite a bit. I think that's why I feel so off center a good chunk of the time. Since my thoughts can flit from subject to subject with the greatest of ease, it would make sense that if I am 'identified' with my thoughts and 'lost' that my feeling of centeredness would be nearly non-existent. Hmmm.
So a practice of meditation becomes simply a practice of learning to disengage from your thoughts. Not really going QUIET, but simply not IDENTIFYING with the thoughts as they pass by; letting them go, surrendering. Well, that would be ONE definition of meditation. There are certainly more definitions than that, but this one seems to suit my experience today.
I was thinking today about the purpose of this whole experiment and while I stated early on that I have no 'place' special I want to arrive, I certainly DO want to experience a better world; a better life. My inner knowing tells me that I am demonstrating so much less than I actually AM. I think there's a line in the Lion King when Mufasa comes to Simba in a dream and says, "You are so much more than you are allowing yourself to be." Poorly paraphrased, I know, but DANG...there is some wisdom there! I believe, nay, KNOW that is the truth for myself and EVERYONE. So how do we get there? And if we are truly divine at our core, how do we get rid of all the junk that surrounds it?
Can Centering Prayer do it? There are thousands of people who say yes. Can I keep attempting to visit my depths hoping to throw out a little bit of crap every time I say my sacred word? Will there be a time when I have cleared (surrendered) enough of the junk of my inner world that my truest light will simply burst through? That's the meaning of this experiment. After a year of centering daily will I exhibit more of my light into this world? I have hope. I certainly don't expect to be able to walk through walls, levitate and heal disease, but if I can live from a more centered, peaceful place on a consistent basis, I can make a profound difference in 'my part of the garden.' And that will be enough.
I have also realized something else through this short time so far. I have come to the conclusion that I do not believe in the concept of original sin. I do not believe that we are flawed at our core. I believe that we are divine at our core. We are simply covered over with a bunch of flawed programming from our parents, friends and society. And I think we are also 'lost in thought.' If we could remove this dirty, tired, outer-shell of what most of us take for ourselves and look deeper, I believe we would find our true nature, our divinity, our Home. I am hopeful Centering Prayer can be a WAY home.
The vision of looking at violent waves on the surface of the ocean during a storm comes to mind. That is how our thoughts are; especially during times of stress. But if we could look at those waves and then sink underneath the water, we would certainly find that the deeper we went, the more tranquil the water would become. At the very depths, we would possibly be unaware of the storm overhead, except for the slightest movement of water gently brushing our cheek. We could look up and see the waves, but would be mostly unaffected by them. To me, this is a place of true power. I think a good many people are fascinated with 'hurricanes.' I guess I've been tossed around on the surface enough. I'm ready to go deeper. While the 'winds of my youth' were certainly exciting, their superficiality has lost all appeal for me. I'm ready to go deeper, all the way down to the source.
Blessings,
Dino
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Finding Center. Day One. Centering Prayer
Well first off...WAHOO!! I already had my Centering session. I came out of a sleep cycle around 4am and couldn't return to my slumber. So up and ready and in my chair with my meditation timer app on my phone and began my session! Day 1. Check.
A little background...
I have been 'centering' for several years. I have taught small workshops on it. I've read at least 5 books about it. I just haven't been doing it daily on a consistent basis. I can go for a few months, then I fall off the wagon. When I turn to a meditation practice, this one always gets the bid. Why?
There are hundreds of specific forms of meditation. Most of them can be categorized into three groups.
1. Concentrative method--where a person concentrates on a mantra or breath and when they notice thoughts, they return to that focus.
2. Awareness method--where a person focuses not on the thoughts, feelings, etc but on the awareness (or I) that is being aware of those thoughts. Sometimes a person can just put their awareness on being or even a body part.
3. Surrender method (Centering Prayer)--where a person has no real focus and awareness is not central. You just sit. As some refer to it, "you rest in God", letting go (surrendering) any thought that comes to mind. When you notice that you are thinking, you simply surrender it and go back to sitting. Very similar to Zazen.
I like this method so much because of the surrender aspect. I have long stopped believing that I am in control of much of anything. My best thinking has gotten me into some doosies! I enjoy the line, "Where would you have me go? What would you have me do? Who would you have me speak to? What would you have me say?"
I guess the above is a bit of a clue as to what my faith is. Because while I have trouble defining faith, I still know in my depths that there is something/someone that has guidance for me and my path. So I trust that IT is there and really believe that if I could shut up a bit, I may be able to let that IT come through. I believe it has come through several times in my life.
So how was my Centering today?
Uhh. Ok. With Centering Prayer, the constant reminder from all those who teach it is to not look for results during the session. Just 'rest in God.' Just sit. Return to your sacred word. The 'gifts' or results will be found in your outer world in your responses and how you live your life.
Some would say that God works with you at your core. Deep. You don't even know what's going on. I will trust that advice for now, because it seems true at this moment. But I have to admit it sounds a bit sketchy to someone who wants proof of results. I can say that while I've had many sessions where I felt like I was being bathed in light and peace, today was not that at all. There were a lot of thoughts coming up. Many from my childhood today. Many about what I should write about here. Many about what I will eat for dinner.
But THINKING IS ALLOWED with Centering Prayer. That's what the brain does. So we let it. When we find ourselves involved in a thought; engaging it, we simply return to our sacred word and just sit. Surrender. Let God do God. Let Life do Life.
I like to entertain the thought that all that stuff is coming UP so it can come OUT. If there really is work being done at my core, my center, then all that stuff is coming out because my deeper self is growing. I don't know that this is true at this point, but I will let that thought serve me for a while.
I will end today's post with this...
I find it intriguing that I felt guided to do this project during the season of Advent. Advent is part of the Christian year in which we honor and anticipate the coming Christ (Christmas). Rather than reading that as a way to honor the past OR to hope for the literal second coming, I choose a different path that respects both of those views. I see Christ as that divine spark within me. Christ is my core. I want that Christ to be born into my world. In a more general and earthy (even pagan) sense; this is the darkest time of our seasonal year. The solstice begins the movement back toward the light when the days are longer.
So Christ; Light....I prepare for you a place in my life. I take this time of Advent to make some space for you. Please come! Let there be light. I do what I can and hope that God will let Christ be born in me in this moment. I surrender to you my darkness; all of it. I give to you freely all my playing small and acting from a quivering, frightened self. I do this conciously in my centering sessions and I pray that I will remember to do it also during my normal day. In traffic. In line at HyVee. When I speak with people. When I am on the toilet. Surrender...let go of the shit. (ah, a nice tshirt, no?)
Blessings to you!
Dino
A little background...
I have been 'centering' for several years. I have taught small workshops on it. I've read at least 5 books about it. I just haven't been doing it daily on a consistent basis. I can go for a few months, then I fall off the wagon. When I turn to a meditation practice, this one always gets the bid. Why?
There are hundreds of specific forms of meditation. Most of them can be categorized into three groups.
1. Concentrative method--where a person concentrates on a mantra or breath and when they notice thoughts, they return to that focus.
2. Awareness method--where a person focuses not on the thoughts, feelings, etc but on the awareness (or I) that is being aware of those thoughts. Sometimes a person can just put their awareness on being or even a body part.
3. Surrender method (Centering Prayer)--where a person has no real focus and awareness is not central. You just sit. As some refer to it, "you rest in God", letting go (surrendering) any thought that comes to mind. When you notice that you are thinking, you simply surrender it and go back to sitting. Very similar to Zazen.
I like this method so much because of the surrender aspect. I have long stopped believing that I am in control of much of anything. My best thinking has gotten me into some doosies! I enjoy the line, "Where would you have me go? What would you have me do? Who would you have me speak to? What would you have me say?"
I guess the above is a bit of a clue as to what my faith is. Because while I have trouble defining faith, I still know in my depths that there is something/someone that has guidance for me and my path. So I trust that IT is there and really believe that if I could shut up a bit, I may be able to let that IT come through. I believe it has come through several times in my life.
So how was my Centering today?
Uhh. Ok. With Centering Prayer, the constant reminder from all those who teach it is to not look for results during the session. Just 'rest in God.' Just sit. Return to your sacred word. The 'gifts' or results will be found in your outer world in your responses and how you live your life.
Some would say that God works with you at your core. Deep. You don't even know what's going on. I will trust that advice for now, because it seems true at this moment. But I have to admit it sounds a bit sketchy to someone who wants proof of results. I can say that while I've had many sessions where I felt like I was being bathed in light and peace, today was not that at all. There were a lot of thoughts coming up. Many from my childhood today. Many about what I should write about here. Many about what I will eat for dinner.
But THINKING IS ALLOWED with Centering Prayer. That's what the brain does. So we let it. When we find ourselves involved in a thought; engaging it, we simply return to our sacred word and just sit. Surrender. Let God do God. Let Life do Life.
I like to entertain the thought that all that stuff is coming UP so it can come OUT. If there really is work being done at my core, my center, then all that stuff is coming out because my deeper self is growing. I don't know that this is true at this point, but I will let that thought serve me for a while.
I will end today's post with this...
I find it intriguing that I felt guided to do this project during the season of Advent. Advent is part of the Christian year in which we honor and anticipate the coming Christ (Christmas). Rather than reading that as a way to honor the past OR to hope for the literal second coming, I choose a different path that respects both of those views. I see Christ as that divine spark within me. Christ is my core. I want that Christ to be born into my world. In a more general and earthy (even pagan) sense; this is the darkest time of our seasonal year. The solstice begins the movement back toward the light when the days are longer.
So Christ; Light....I prepare for you a place in my life. I take this time of Advent to make some space for you. Please come! Let there be light. I do what I can and hope that God will let Christ be born in me in this moment. I surrender to you my darkness; all of it. I give to you freely all my playing small and acting from a quivering, frightened self. I do this conciously in my centering sessions and I pray that I will remember to do it also during my normal day. In traffic. In line at HyVee. When I speak with people. When I am on the toilet. Surrender...let go of the shit. (ah, a nice tshirt, no?)
Blessings to you!
Dino
Monday, November 28, 2011
Finding Center: Preparation. Beginning my year of Centering Prayer
After a good three days with extended family during Thanksgiving, I find myself off center and struggling to return to peace. It's funny how family has that way of pushing your buttons. They were the ones who did a good chunk of your initial programming during your youth, therefore they know where and exactly how to 'get you.'
I dealt with a lot of that over the holiday weekend. Noticing many of my old stories popping into my head; stories of victim-hood and the need to break free and be independent. Funny thing is, I am 43 years old, left home when I was 18 without so much as a glance over my shoulders and find that I am still chained to old reactions and old behavior patterns. Patterns that I sincerely thought were left back in my hometown.
So for the PURPOSE of this blog...I am a man searching for Truth. I know in my heart of hearts that I can live from a place of peace and ease. I know in my bones that I carry a potential of so much more than I demonstrate now. I know it to be true that I am a child of the Universe, God, All That Is, (name yours), etc, but I find myself not able to sustain that way of living at ALL. I need help. After 20 years of much seeking, I find myself unable to 'get there' on my own. I am trying something new.
I am hereby making a commitment to myself and the 'world' (you) that I will begin a sincere practice of meditation on a daily basis. The form I am choosing is called Centering Prayer; it is a method of surrender. I have been 'centering' for several years, but not on a daily basis. Circumstances seem to pull my away from my practice. I am hopeful that posting here will keep me honest and accountable.
I will practice Centering Prayer at least once for 30 minutes everyday. If my time allows, I will have another 20 minute session...but I am committed to the 30 minutes.
Why? Because I know that I am so much more than my flippant and ever changing emotions. I believe that at my depths I am a piece of God, a tiny spark of Creation....Christ in potential. I want that 'me' to come out and play. I want the wise, strong and centered being at my core to be the one that shows up in my life. Not the pissy, needy and manipulative dude that loves to ruin nearly every waking moment.
But the truth....I'm also searching for something more. I'm searching for God. But I certainly have stopped believing in the vision of God from my childhood. I know God is there....I feel it. But it is not what most people think of when they think of God. I believe that God is primarily a Mystery and that we as humans have hardly ANY knowledge of it at all. Yes, I used the word IT. The God that I FEEL exists is not a woman or a man or an anything that I can describe.
I had a unified spiritual experience about 15 years ago that has made a lasting change on my spirit. I cannot even begin to describe it, but I will say that the line, "make me one with everything" is not just the punchline of a Buddhist joke. It was my reality for a period of 7 days. And without trying to re-create that experience, I was certainly shown that Life, and all of us, is so much more than we currently demonstrate.
But it's been a long, dry 15 years. The pull to seek is ever present, but the experience and cool little synchronicities that used to dot my spiritual landscape has gone away, dried up and scattered like dust in the wind. I have lost a lot of my 'faith.' I have doubted my experience, my life and even the existence of God. But I know something is there...But I must find it through truth, contemplation, meditation. I simply cannot believe for the sake of believing. That is not true Faith to me. I'm not sure what Faith is to me anymore, but it is certainly not believing blindly.
So to my task. I will begin a daily practice of Centering Prayer. Here is the practice I will follow:
1. Choose a sacred word as the symbol of your intention to consent to God’s presence and action within.
Sitting comfortably and with eyes closed, settle briefly and silently introduce the sacred word as the symbol of your consent to God’s presence and action within.
I have many more thoughts and life stories that will be added as I go, but I'm looking for this to be the beginning of a year long quest. I do not believe that I will 'arrive' any place special, but I want to share the journey.
As I enter into my seminary work, I look at this as a large part of my ministry and a true crystalization of my inner stirrings.
Blessings,
Dino Hayz
I dealt with a lot of that over the holiday weekend. Noticing many of my old stories popping into my head; stories of victim-hood and the need to break free and be independent. Funny thing is, I am 43 years old, left home when I was 18 without so much as a glance over my shoulders and find that I am still chained to old reactions and old behavior patterns. Patterns that I sincerely thought were left back in my hometown.
So for the PURPOSE of this blog...I am a man searching for Truth. I know in my heart of hearts that I can live from a place of peace and ease. I know in my bones that I carry a potential of so much more than I demonstrate now. I know it to be true that I am a child of the Universe, God, All That Is, (name yours), etc, but I find myself not able to sustain that way of living at ALL. I need help. After 20 years of much seeking, I find myself unable to 'get there' on my own. I am trying something new.
I am hereby making a commitment to myself and the 'world' (you) that I will begin a sincere practice of meditation on a daily basis. The form I am choosing is called Centering Prayer; it is a method of surrender. I have been 'centering' for several years, but not on a daily basis. Circumstances seem to pull my away from my practice. I am hopeful that posting here will keep me honest and accountable.
I will practice Centering Prayer at least once for 30 minutes everyday. If my time allows, I will have another 20 minute session...but I am committed to the 30 minutes.
Why? Because I know that I am so much more than my flippant and ever changing emotions. I believe that at my depths I am a piece of God, a tiny spark of Creation....Christ in potential. I want that 'me' to come out and play. I want the wise, strong and centered being at my core to be the one that shows up in my life. Not the pissy, needy and manipulative dude that loves to ruin nearly every waking moment.
But the truth....I'm also searching for something more. I'm searching for God. But I certainly have stopped believing in the vision of God from my childhood. I know God is there....I feel it. But it is not what most people think of when they think of God. I believe that God is primarily a Mystery and that we as humans have hardly ANY knowledge of it at all. Yes, I used the word IT. The God that I FEEL exists is not a woman or a man or an anything that I can describe.
I had a unified spiritual experience about 15 years ago that has made a lasting change on my spirit. I cannot even begin to describe it, but I will say that the line, "make me one with everything" is not just the punchline of a Buddhist joke. It was my reality for a period of 7 days. And without trying to re-create that experience, I was certainly shown that Life, and all of us, is so much more than we currently demonstrate.
But it's been a long, dry 15 years. The pull to seek is ever present, but the experience and cool little synchronicities that used to dot my spiritual landscape has gone away, dried up and scattered like dust in the wind. I have lost a lot of my 'faith.' I have doubted my experience, my life and even the existence of God. But I know something is there...But I must find it through truth, contemplation, meditation. I simply cannot believe for the sake of believing. That is not true Faith to me. I'm not sure what Faith is to me anymore, but it is certainly not believing blindly.
So to my task. I will begin a daily practice of Centering Prayer. Here is the practice I will follow:
1. Choose a sacred word as the symbol of your intention to consent to God’s presence and action within.
2
3
When engaged with your thoughts*, return ever-so gently to the sacred word.4
At the end of the prayer period, remain in silence with eyes closed for a couple of minutes.
- Thoughts include body sensations, feelings, images, and reflections
I have many more thoughts and life stories that will be added as I go, but I'm looking for this to be the beginning of a year long quest. I do not believe that I will 'arrive' any place special, but I want to share the journey.
As I enter into my seminary work, I look at this as a large part of my ministry and a true crystalization of my inner stirrings.
Blessings,
Dino Hayz
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