My oh my, such a long time away from my blog! We are nuts at the Center right now; in rehearsal for 4 shows and just had a read thru for a 5th last night. Awesome casts, great scripts, fantastic music and a lot of fun. This is our biggest season yet with 11 shows in the next year and record number of students/actors!
I'm also well into my first class of seminary and loving every minute of it so far. I'll speak more to that later.
While I may not have been writing much, I have maintained my practice of Centering and delicious studying. This morning I felt a bit called to begin my Centering time with a mantra that I lifted from A Course In Miracles, "I am as God created me." It was my companion today as I journeyed to my Center. I believe it's my favorite mantra. It reminded me of my 'fine-ness', my divinity and the fact that my very being is a mystery.
Let me open up the words here a bit so we're all talking on the same page. From the few followers I have on blogspot to the several people that read this from facebook, my friends have a pretty wide range of beliefs and views of spirituality out there. Since it's been a while and it helps me to clarify aspects of my own path, here is my generic view of life and God in less than 30 seconds.
I do believe in God, but not as a dude in the sky. I see God as All That Is. Just like I could be considered a God to the 100 trillion cells in my body. I am the amalgamation of those little life forms. As a human, I am but one cell in the entire universe. I can't possibly expect my 100 trillion cells to know the fullness of Me, but they are a part of me and without them I would not be. I see God in the same way. To me, it is evident that something intelligent is going on here, simply because we are here and we are intelligent. We are expressions of that fullness of the universe. It's all a beautiful mystery.
Everyone is on their own journey and will have their own views of God or not. My views are right for me, yours are right for you. Now let's eat!
I spend a great deal of my life 'in the world.' I focus on the next task at hand. I sometimes worry about paying the mortgage. I like to buy fun stuff. I enjoy wine and conversation with friends. I love music. Most of all, I love my wife and kid. But there is more to this world than all of that stuff. Sometimes I get so bogged down with the little, stupid events of my life that I end up feeling lost and sometimes quite depressed about it all.
That's where my prayer life and Centering practice comes in. I know in my bones that I am more than I usually present to the world. I have discovered through my own experience that I am much more than I can even describe. My thoughts are just thoughts. My body is just a body. My rugged good looks are my rugged good looks, my bald head is just a bald head. While those things can be descriptors of themselves, they cannot describe ME. My thoughts describe the contents of my mind. But I am much more than my mind. I am not my thoughts they are just little flits of information swirling around in my consciousness.
My body describes my body. Stiff and flabby. But I am not that body. While it is a part of me, it is certainly not me at my core. My body is simply the vehicle for me moving around on this planet. It's what I do with that body that counts. Do I bless with it? Do I condemn with it?
My rugged good looks speak for themselves. (:
At my Center, beyond all the thoughts about myself and others, lies ME. The open, spacious awareness that allows all of this to be. THIS is my true identity. This is the big mystery. You can actually get to a point where you can BE without all of the instrusion of thoughts. This is a magical 'place.' It is a place that I love most. It is also a place that I need to visit more often. My mantra today helped me get there. "I am as God created me." That phrase, repeated everytime I started thinking about tacos, or the presidential race or my upcoming vacation....that phrase reminded me that at my Center, I am as I was created. Nothing can change that. Some people may have trouble with the word, 'created.' That's ok. I don't. I did not create myself, that I know. I have trouble creating much simpler things than me. Maybe at my deepest level...at my core...I am just the universe EXPRESSING as me. I can buy that too. But I don't need to get caught up in words. As I say to my students, "If I were in charge of running all of the processes in my body, I wouldn't last 10 seconds. I know I'd forget one of the 500 functions of the liver." I didn't create me. I didn't create the process of creation. At least not the me that's writing these words.
It is a good reminder for me that while I may go through the roller coaster movements of life that at my core, I am as I am. There is a part of me that has not changed, ever. I tell you, the person that I see in the mirror is not the same person that I saw when I was 8 years old, but it's still the same ME looking out through those eyes. I am noticing several effects of aging beginning to make their ways known to my body, but even with all of that starting to occur, it's still ME inside. The me inside has been through all of the experiences of this incredible lifetime and still is just me. No matter what.
It does me good to remember this. It puts WHO I AM in perspective. Let the thoughts come...and go. Let the petty FB presidential stuff come....and go. Let the feelings of stress come....and go. All of those things live and move and have their being in ME. They are just 'things' in the awareness that I am. If I stay with WHO I AM, I can remain unaffected and simply watch (and enjoy) the view.
I am as God created me. I am as I am. Things, thoughts, bodies may come and go. I remain. Centered. Ready for all of it.
Blessings!
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Nothing Much to Say Today...
Staring at a blank screen wondering what wit and wisdom that I can provide to my part of the garden today. And I honestly have no clue, so I will write spontaneously and see if anything comes of it...'stead of my old shit. (: First shot....
I have been horribly busy with Beauty and the Beast. We were running like crazy to get that show up. We held up opening the doors until 640pm the night of the show so we could finish rehearsing. We never had ONE rehearsal with everyone in it...not until performance. It's crazy sometimes how much that can stress you out and creep into your very soul. BUT the kids ROCKED, like they always do. We only have 16 hours of rehearsal for these shows. And with this show we had TWO casts so everything moved twice as slowly. It's a pure miracle that it occured. But I believe in these kids. I believe in Tina and I believe in myself. We've pretty much figured out how to produce a musical in truly under 8 hours. I wouldn't recommend it to others and I certainly prefer to be much more prepared going into a performance. But it's nice to know we can do it if need be.
I have recently been pondering retirement. I KNOW!! I'm only 43, but I'm an old soul, a young soul and a guy who wants to slow down and enjoy the time I have left. I have many many thoughts of selling our house, the Center and buying a patch of land and living in a cabin. All I really need to live is my wife, my boy, an ax and peanut butter cups. As long as we have internet access and my motorcycle, we'll be fine. ha. But I have really been pulled to being in nature lately. I find myself just wanting to be a human OUTSIDE. Nothing special, just time in the outdoors. I'm hopeful this summer will grant me that. I will wrestle for it if I have to. Looking for a return trip to the Badlands in the fall.
I'm also finding myself increasingly less tolerant of pretense and superficiality...in people, organizations, etc. I am aching for some true, good, meaningful communication with this world and the people in it. It seems everything is just moving so fast these days that time to stop, enjoy a cold drink and talk about the awesome mystery that is life, is near non-existent. I'm starting to care less and less about status. I don't mind if I look the fool, anymore. Nobody really knows what's going on here on this planet. Hardly anyone thinks about it...at least out loud. It's so sad how many of us are bored with our lives when it's a f*cking mystery and miracle that we are even here at all. I can't tell you how many times I see "I.am.so.bored." on FB statuses. Silly, really. We would all do quite well to wipe the pollution from our eyes, drop our screens and go outside and kick a ball around and then stare up at the clouds.
I'm glad Obama finally said he is for equal marriage rights for gays. Finally, someone takes a stand. I'm not a huge Obama fan, but I voted for him and held a lot of hope when he was elected. It was nice to see some balls there.
Ok. That's all the time I have...very stream of consciousness, I know and not too deep today. Here I am complaining about superficiality and I'm being it myself. I am a hypocrite sometimes. Yes, I am.
I will leave you with this quote that has been percolating for a while in my brain. I like it. My buddy likes it. It's a little bit deep. Peace out!
"I have made some horrible mistakes in my life. I have really screwed up at times. But by God, I am going to END WELL."~~Dino Hayz
I have been horribly busy with Beauty and the Beast. We were running like crazy to get that show up. We held up opening the doors until 640pm the night of the show so we could finish rehearsing. We never had ONE rehearsal with everyone in it...not until performance. It's crazy sometimes how much that can stress you out and creep into your very soul. BUT the kids ROCKED, like they always do. We only have 16 hours of rehearsal for these shows. And with this show we had TWO casts so everything moved twice as slowly. It's a pure miracle that it occured. But I believe in these kids. I believe in Tina and I believe in myself. We've pretty much figured out how to produce a musical in truly under 8 hours. I wouldn't recommend it to others and I certainly prefer to be much more prepared going into a performance. But it's nice to know we can do it if need be.
I have recently been pondering retirement. I KNOW!! I'm only 43, but I'm an old soul, a young soul and a guy who wants to slow down and enjoy the time I have left. I have many many thoughts of selling our house, the Center and buying a patch of land and living in a cabin. All I really need to live is my wife, my boy, an ax and peanut butter cups. As long as we have internet access and my motorcycle, we'll be fine. ha. But I have really been pulled to being in nature lately. I find myself just wanting to be a human OUTSIDE. Nothing special, just time in the outdoors. I'm hopeful this summer will grant me that. I will wrestle for it if I have to. Looking for a return trip to the Badlands in the fall.
I'm also finding myself increasingly less tolerant of pretense and superficiality...in people, organizations, etc. I am aching for some true, good, meaningful communication with this world and the people in it. It seems everything is just moving so fast these days that time to stop, enjoy a cold drink and talk about the awesome mystery that is life, is near non-existent. I'm starting to care less and less about status. I don't mind if I look the fool, anymore. Nobody really knows what's going on here on this planet. Hardly anyone thinks about it...at least out loud. It's so sad how many of us are bored with our lives when it's a f*cking mystery and miracle that we are even here at all. I can't tell you how many times I see "I.am.so.bored." on FB statuses. Silly, really. We would all do quite well to wipe the pollution from our eyes, drop our screens and go outside and kick a ball around and then stare up at the clouds.
I'm glad Obama finally said he is for equal marriage rights for gays. Finally, someone takes a stand. I'm not a huge Obama fan, but I voted for him and held a lot of hope when he was elected. It was nice to see some balls there.
Ok. That's all the time I have...very stream of consciousness, I know and not too deep today. Here I am complaining about superficiality and I'm being it myself. I am a hypocrite sometimes. Yes, I am.
I will leave you with this quote that has been percolating for a while in my brain. I like it. My buddy likes it. It's a little bit deep. Peace out!
"I have made some horrible mistakes in my life. I have really screwed up at times. But by God, I am going to END WELL."~~Dino Hayz
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Life is a _________!
You can fill in the blank to the above statement. I have gone back and forth with many descriptive words over the last week; some positive, some down right hellish. I'm doing my best to find center these days.
Big Bad News
We found out one week ago that my wife's father has stage four thymic carcinoma. He has been given 6 months to live without treatment and possibly a year to 18 months with treatment. He begins his chemo on Friday and will see how it affects him. He told us Friday night when they came to visit that he wants quality over quantity. And I support that greatly. I affirm his decision.
Tina is handling this like she handles all things; with grace and practicality. She has sprung into action to do whatever she can to spend time with her daddy and to help as much as possible. She'll be going to Indiana this weekend to spend time with her dad after his first chemo treatment.
Me? I'll be here doing RENT at the theatre. It's a story about love, death, loss and overcoming the mind to accept the gift of the present moment. "No day but today" is one of its primary themes. It certainly has a deeper meaning now. Of course it had a deeper meaning after losing my father so freakishly last year as well. I will do all that I can to get to know this man (Tina's dad) as much as possible these next few months and I will do whatever I am able to do to ease his transition. I have wept a great deal the last week and expect to do so quite a bit more.
An interesting note....
The other day Eli and I were doing our afternoon 'cuddle' before naptime and he picked up his little play cell phone and was talking to grandpa. I asked him if he was talking to "Grandpa Doug." (Tina's dad)
He said, "No, Grandpa Carmichael" (my dad). I asked him what Grandpa Carmichael was doing and he said, "He just caught a fish. He catches a lot of fish in heaven."
Eli is three.
"What else did he say?" I asked as I was a bit freaked out that he mentioned fishing, because we really haven't talked about that part of my dad's life too much. He died fishing.
"He said he loves me and misses me." I nearly cried then and I am crying now.
Many of you know my thoughts of heaven and hell and all of that jazz, but I don't really know that there IS a heaven. We tell Eli that Grandpa Carmichael went to heaven because he is three. We tell him that Grandpa Carmichael also lives in his heart. Now don't get me wrong, I HOPE to HEAVEN there's a Heaven! I think it would be fantastic to be reunited with our loved ones. I do believe in the continuation of the energy/soul/spirit/ that makes us alive, but I have my doubts about the personality remaining intact once we've dropped the body.
I mean, where does the electricity go when the light bulb burns out? It simply gets used somewhere else in the house, right? If the medium through which the energy travels cannot support the energy coming to it, the energy just doesn't go there.
Does the bulb live on? God, I hope not. I've thrown them away my whole life. However, I still hope, if even naively, that some part of me as Dino does live on. But hoping something, believing something and knowing something are all very different things.
I have had little bouts with past lives, I think. I have had memories come wafting through my mind in the wee hours of the morning that were not from my present lifetime. When was I ever a lady in the 1890's cooking in a log cabin? When? (Obviously in the 1890's, because that is one of my memories...much more than mere imagination, I tell you.) In fact, most mornings when I wake up, I have to really shake off the night before, questioning what is true for me as I begin my day. But I digress...(that paragraph will probably release many of my friends from believing me sane...but the hell with it...this shit is on my mind and every word is true)...
My view of death is that we do it every night. We go unconscious every single day. We lose all track of time, space and of Self. Then we awaken to a new day. People who come out of years-long comas have no idea of how much time has passed. It could have been 10 years of no awareness, then bam...they're back.
It seems to me death is just like that. We just don't know if we come back from the non-aware state. But if we don't...we won't ever know it. No biggie...for us. Very much a biggie for those left behind.
I think the dying part is much worse than the death part. My dad, hopefully, died very quickly. It's the suffering I want to help alleviate. But as the Buddha said, 'life is suffering.' You can attempt to run from it, but it's always there to some degree. Some days/months/years/decades are better than others. But the Buddha also said you can transcend suffering. You can learn to detach your sense of self from the transitory things that fill this life up. Things come and go. Good times. Bad times. Let them come. Let them go. You remain. Always. No matter what.
Maybe even until the end of the earth.
I hope so.
Big Bad News
We found out one week ago that my wife's father has stage four thymic carcinoma. He has been given 6 months to live without treatment and possibly a year to 18 months with treatment. He begins his chemo on Friday and will see how it affects him. He told us Friday night when they came to visit that he wants quality over quantity. And I support that greatly. I affirm his decision.
Tina is handling this like she handles all things; with grace and practicality. She has sprung into action to do whatever she can to spend time with her daddy and to help as much as possible. She'll be going to Indiana this weekend to spend time with her dad after his first chemo treatment.
Me? I'll be here doing RENT at the theatre. It's a story about love, death, loss and overcoming the mind to accept the gift of the present moment. "No day but today" is one of its primary themes. It certainly has a deeper meaning now. Of course it had a deeper meaning after losing my father so freakishly last year as well. I will do all that I can to get to know this man (Tina's dad) as much as possible these next few months and I will do whatever I am able to do to ease his transition. I have wept a great deal the last week and expect to do so quite a bit more.
An interesting note....
The other day Eli and I were doing our afternoon 'cuddle' before naptime and he picked up his little play cell phone and was talking to grandpa. I asked him if he was talking to "Grandpa Doug." (Tina's dad)
He said, "No, Grandpa Carmichael" (my dad). I asked him what Grandpa Carmichael was doing and he said, "He just caught a fish. He catches a lot of fish in heaven."
Eli is three.
"What else did he say?" I asked as I was a bit freaked out that he mentioned fishing, because we really haven't talked about that part of my dad's life too much. He died fishing.
"He said he loves me and misses me." I nearly cried then and I am crying now.
Many of you know my thoughts of heaven and hell and all of that jazz, but I don't really know that there IS a heaven. We tell Eli that Grandpa Carmichael went to heaven because he is three. We tell him that Grandpa Carmichael also lives in his heart. Now don't get me wrong, I HOPE to HEAVEN there's a Heaven! I think it would be fantastic to be reunited with our loved ones. I do believe in the continuation of the energy/soul/spirit/ that makes us alive, but I have my doubts about the personality remaining intact once we've dropped the body.
I mean, where does the electricity go when the light bulb burns out? It simply gets used somewhere else in the house, right? If the medium through which the energy travels cannot support the energy coming to it, the energy just doesn't go there.
Does the bulb live on? God, I hope not. I've thrown them away my whole life. However, I still hope, if even naively, that some part of me as Dino does live on. But hoping something, believing something and knowing something are all very different things.
I have had little bouts with past lives, I think. I have had memories come wafting through my mind in the wee hours of the morning that were not from my present lifetime. When was I ever a lady in the 1890's cooking in a log cabin? When? (Obviously in the 1890's, because that is one of my memories...much more than mere imagination, I tell you.) In fact, most mornings when I wake up, I have to really shake off the night before, questioning what is true for me as I begin my day. But I digress...(that paragraph will probably release many of my friends from believing me sane...but the hell with it...this shit is on my mind and every word is true)...
My view of death is that we do it every night. We go unconscious every single day. We lose all track of time, space and of Self. Then we awaken to a new day. People who come out of years-long comas have no idea of how much time has passed. It could have been 10 years of no awareness, then bam...they're back.
It seems to me death is just like that. We just don't know if we come back from the non-aware state. But if we don't...we won't ever know it. No biggie...for us. Very much a biggie for those left behind.
I think the dying part is much worse than the death part. My dad, hopefully, died very quickly. It's the suffering I want to help alleviate. But as the Buddha said, 'life is suffering.' You can attempt to run from it, but it's always there to some degree. Some days/months/years/decades are better than others. But the Buddha also said you can transcend suffering. You can learn to detach your sense of self from the transitory things that fill this life up. Things come and go. Good times. Bad times. Let them come. Let them go. You remain. Always. No matter what.
Maybe even until the end of the earth.
I hope so.
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Fail. Days 2 and 3
Well I have failed according to my initial plans. I made it through Monday just fine, but Tuesday night at 6pm, I ate veggie tacos. I was in the midst of headaches, severe nausea and no desire at all to go home and drink a glass of juice. My lord, did it suck yesterday. Once I ate dinner, I was fine on all counts.
Funny because I have fasted, I mean fasted--no food at all, for 5 days before and didn't have this kind of reaction. It was much harder to do the juice only than to go without food completely. Psychological and physiological, I'm sure.
But now what? I continue on with juice as an addition to my diet and I revert back to my original April plan: to drink only water and juices and to eat only food. No processed stuff for this guy for the rest of the month.
So that whole post on Monday....yeah scrap it. Too extreme for me right now. But what is not too extreme? Real food. Real drink. Only. Nothing made in a factory....or as close as I can come to it...even chickens are made in a factory now, as well as beef. Walking. Medititating. Good.
By following that plan: Not Fail.
PS...the high juice consumption has made my pee smell very different. Just thought you should know.
Blessings and love....more soon.
Dino
Funny because I have fasted, I mean fasted--no food at all, for 5 days before and didn't have this kind of reaction. It was much harder to do the juice only than to go without food completely. Psychological and physiological, I'm sure.
But now what? I continue on with juice as an addition to my diet and I revert back to my original April plan: to drink only water and juices and to eat only food. No processed stuff for this guy for the rest of the month.
So that whole post on Monday....yeah scrap it. Too extreme for me right now. But what is not too extreme? Real food. Real drink. Only. Nothing made in a factory....or as close as I can come to it...even chickens are made in a factory now, as well as beef. Walking. Medititating. Good.
By following that plan: Not Fail.
PS...the high juice consumption has made my pee smell very different. Just thought you should know.
Blessings and love....more soon.
Dino
Monday, April 9, 2012
A New Beginning of Sorts, Day One
Today is a new beginning for me. Spring Awakening, my show at the Center, is finally done after 5 wonderful months. I did not shave my head this morning like usual as I'm welcoming back my beautiful locks! And I will not eat food for the next 10 days; only natural juiced fruit and vegetables.
??!!
My hair is a Tina thing. My wife loves the hell out of me. She has given me so much in our time together. We have built such a beautiful life with each other. She is nothing short of a miracle to the story I call my life. Only she lives with me day in and day out. Only she knows the intimate details of my neurosis. She has seen me at my best and also at my worst. She has followed me into the whole Center for Living Arts saga and she has never complained. Plus there's a ton of other stuff that woman does that goes without mentioning that would take an entire lifetime to write out.
With all of that, I want to be pleasing to her in every way that I can. She likes my long hair. It's the very least I can do. It may seem silly, but to me, it is an outward gesture of my love for her. I'm not married to baldness. I like being bald just fine and it was certainly a very freeing thing to do after being a hippie for 11 years. It was very cathartic for me. But I've been bald for 7 years now. It's time to go back to the other side. I want to be one of those old white haired guys with a ponytail when I'm older; and the white has started to make its appearance.
The Food or lack thereof....
Two weeks ago, I watched a very persuading documentary, "Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead." It was about a guy who was, you know, fat, sick and nearly dead. He juiced fruits and vegetables as his only nutrition for 60 days....60 days! He dropped almost 100 pounds and he became quite fit and without disease. I feel the same way; fat, sick and nearly dead. What disease do I have? Tiredness, grouchiness, the feeling that the best days of my life are long behind me. The feeling of "do I really have to get off the couch?" when my boy wants to go run outside. Damn it, I just don't want to be the man I'm starting to become!
My diet is for shit most of the time. It's not like I'm deep fat frying twinkies and guzzling down crisco, but I hardly ever get fruits and vegetables in my diet. I'm honestly just not that fond of them. So this plan of only juicing for the next 10 days is designed to give my body a 'reboot.' By the end of my time, I will hopefully have fed my body superconcentrated amounts of micronutrients enough that I will actually feel more life flowing through my being. Then will come the next step. That will be to continue to juice for another 10 days or to simply start eating a more plant based diet.
My feeling is that after I get through the first three days of feeling like hell, I will start to love eating (not eating) like this. I have done fasts before. I have done juice fasts before. However in the past I did not juice fresh fruits and vegetables, I just drank 100% apple and grape juice for 7 days. This new plan has so much more nutrition than the old way. Number one, I'll be juicing vegetables along with fruit and you can juice damn near any fruit or vegetable. I made a concoction of apple, carrot, broccoli, celery the other day and it tasted wonderful. I'll just get creative and experimental.
If you think about it, it's just concentrated nutrients, pretty much digested (broken down) and ready to go straight into your system. It's giving my digestive system a break from dealing with all the meat and chips I shovel in on a regular basis. I am also adding an hour long walk to my day and my usual 20 minute sessions of meditation. Plus this daily blog. I'll need someone to talk to...especially when I start feeling like crap this afternoon and tomorrow as my body starts to detox. That's the only thing I'm not looking forward to, but I've done it often enough to have the confidence that I'll make it through.
I told Tina that I'm really putting a lot of faith in this process. I told her that I'm pretty sure that once I start to feel better during the first week, I'll be all like 'born again' and trying to persuade her to cross the river Styx to the other side where you feel young and alive again! We shall see. I'm actually pretty balanced in regards to letting people walk their own path. I just don't want to be the 58 year old guy at my boy's hs graduation that has to use a walker. That may seem like an extreme statement to you, but it's certainly not to me. I cannot tell you how old I'm starting to feel. And everytime I imbibe on high doses of sugar or processed food, I start to feel even older. The way I see it, we've been given fruits and vegetables to eat on this planet, why not try that for awhile?
So, wish me luck. Keep me in your thoughts. I'll post daily, even if it's just to say the day sucked....or better yet, how much better I feel. I started today with a large glass of freshly juiced orange. I must now go poop. And so it starts.
Blessings on the journey!
??!!
My hair is a Tina thing. My wife loves the hell out of me. She has given me so much in our time together. We have built such a beautiful life with each other. She is nothing short of a miracle to the story I call my life. Only she lives with me day in and day out. Only she knows the intimate details of my neurosis. She has seen me at my best and also at my worst. She has followed me into the whole Center for Living Arts saga and she has never complained. Plus there's a ton of other stuff that woman does that goes without mentioning that would take an entire lifetime to write out.
With all of that, I want to be pleasing to her in every way that I can. She likes my long hair. It's the very least I can do. It may seem silly, but to me, it is an outward gesture of my love for her. I'm not married to baldness. I like being bald just fine and it was certainly a very freeing thing to do after being a hippie for 11 years. It was very cathartic for me. But I've been bald for 7 years now. It's time to go back to the other side. I want to be one of those old white haired guys with a ponytail when I'm older; and the white has started to make its appearance.
The Food or lack thereof....
Two weeks ago, I watched a very persuading documentary, "Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead." It was about a guy who was, you know, fat, sick and nearly dead. He juiced fruits and vegetables as his only nutrition for 60 days....60 days! He dropped almost 100 pounds and he became quite fit and without disease. I feel the same way; fat, sick and nearly dead. What disease do I have? Tiredness, grouchiness, the feeling that the best days of my life are long behind me. The feeling of "do I really have to get off the couch?" when my boy wants to go run outside. Damn it, I just don't want to be the man I'm starting to become!
My diet is for shit most of the time. It's not like I'm deep fat frying twinkies and guzzling down crisco, but I hardly ever get fruits and vegetables in my diet. I'm honestly just not that fond of them. So this plan of only juicing for the next 10 days is designed to give my body a 'reboot.' By the end of my time, I will hopefully have fed my body superconcentrated amounts of micronutrients enough that I will actually feel more life flowing through my being. Then will come the next step. That will be to continue to juice for another 10 days or to simply start eating a more plant based diet.
My feeling is that after I get through the first three days of feeling like hell, I will start to love eating (not eating) like this. I have done fasts before. I have done juice fasts before. However in the past I did not juice fresh fruits and vegetables, I just drank 100% apple and grape juice for 7 days. This new plan has so much more nutrition than the old way. Number one, I'll be juicing vegetables along with fruit and you can juice damn near any fruit or vegetable. I made a concoction of apple, carrot, broccoli, celery the other day and it tasted wonderful. I'll just get creative and experimental.
If you think about it, it's just concentrated nutrients, pretty much digested (broken down) and ready to go straight into your system. It's giving my digestive system a break from dealing with all the meat and chips I shovel in on a regular basis. I am also adding an hour long walk to my day and my usual 20 minute sessions of meditation. Plus this daily blog. I'll need someone to talk to...especially when I start feeling like crap this afternoon and tomorrow as my body starts to detox. That's the only thing I'm not looking forward to, but I've done it often enough to have the confidence that I'll make it through.
I told Tina that I'm really putting a lot of faith in this process. I told her that I'm pretty sure that once I start to feel better during the first week, I'll be all like 'born again' and trying to persuade her to cross the river Styx to the other side where you feel young and alive again! We shall see. I'm actually pretty balanced in regards to letting people walk their own path. I just don't want to be the 58 year old guy at my boy's hs graduation that has to use a walker. That may seem like an extreme statement to you, but it's certainly not to me. I cannot tell you how old I'm starting to feel. And everytime I imbibe on high doses of sugar or processed food, I start to feel even older. The way I see it, we've been given fruits and vegetables to eat on this planet, why not try that for awhile?
So, wish me luck. Keep me in your thoughts. I'll post daily, even if it's just to say the day sucked....or better yet, how much better I feel. I started today with a large glass of freshly juiced orange. I must now go poop. And so it starts.
Blessings on the journey!
Friday, March 16, 2012
On 30 Days to a More Natural Way of Living
So today's blog will be a bit short, but here goes. I'm thinking of trying a little experiment for a month to notate change, if any, to my overall sense of well-being. I'm looking for a few people to join me to make it more fun and to keep some accountability. Here's my proposal; for one month I will:
Walk for one hour every day.
Meditate or focus on energy or deep breathing or prayer for a period of 20 minutes (all at once).
Eat only food.
Drink only natural fluids.
Let go of negativity in all forms.
I come from a bit of a health background. I have been a licensed massage therapist for 10 years and I've been teaching anatomy, physiology, kinesiology, pathology, cpr, first aid and basic health for 9 years at Blackhawk and Alive and Wellness. However, that shouldn't convince you of anything. What I'm proposing is to get back to some natural living in my life...common sense.
When I look at the habits of my daily life, I see a bunch of crap going in and out of my awareness and body. If you've followed past blogs, you may be aware of my issue with weight, but this has much more to do with well being than it has to do with weight.
Walk one hour every day.
What a simple task; walking. I'm not even talking power walking. I'm speaking of going out for a nice clip of a stroll for one hour every day. Our bodies are not built for long periods of sitting on our arses. They are built to move and by simple movement, the lymph and immune systems get busy. Walking also uses every muscle of the body and keeps the connective tissue that surrounds, envelops and supports our bodies in a more subtle and fluid like state. I'm a stiff guy and I am aware of the fasciae (saran wrap) that clamps down on my muscles and keeps me rigid when I do not keep my body moving. I spend most of my days sitting or standing and moving from A to B. I need more movement in my life. What makes a person feel old more than anything else? Lack of mobility. I'll keep the gray hairs and wrinkles, but let me dance, dammit! What if it rains? I will walk in the mall or simply get wet.
Meditate for 20 minutes every day.
Studies done in 2003 show that one of the healthiest things you can do everyday is to meditate or watch the mind for 20 minutes. It show significant increases in oxygen supply to the brain and body, decreases cortisol (stress hormone) and boosts immune system. Stress adds fuel to any "fire" we have been tending in our lives. By reducing the fuel, you cannot help but tame the fire. It's 20 minutes. Just 20. I waste more than 20 minutes a day on FB, I bet.
Eat and drink only natural.
I eat relatively well, but man I put in way to much processed food like Baked Doritos and Cheetos. I'm going to go one month eating as close to all natural as is possible. Things that have ingredients like apples, carrots, spinach, steak, potatoes, cheese, eggs, broccoli, pears, bananas, etc. Natural food. Natural drinks like water, orange juice, wine and beer. Yes I will still drink wine and beer, of course in moderation, but no pop; especially no diet soda or crystal light crap. If I want ice cream, I will make it myself with natural ingredients. I will keep sugar to a minimum. Once a week, I will have a day to eat whatever the hell I want for a few hours. I'm not doing this to discipline myself. I'm doing this to see how I feel after a month of natural food (as natural as we can get nowadays). So I'm putting a day to let loose of all this healthy living. Everything in moderation; even an all natural diet.
Let Go of Negativity in all forms.
This will be the hardest for me as I'm prone to be pissy and to be a self made victim of my own thoughts. But I will do my best to recognize negative thoughts and states of being and simply recognize them as negative thoughts and states of being. By simply recognizing that negativity is arising I can create a bit of 'breathing room' in my awareness and all the thoughts to pass on their own.
I want to start on April 2nd and end on April 30th. Only a fool would start a new thing on April fool's day. I will keep you posted on my progress and hopefully a person or two will join me this. Anyone?
Since becoming a father, I see my time on this planet passing before my eyes all too quickly leaving me feeling older and older. I do not want to be the 58 year old dad at my kid's high school graduation barely able to walk up into the bleechers and being tired all the time. I dropped a 20 year cigarette habit 6 years ago, I exercise on a much more frequent basis and I have a lot of joy in my life, but I think making sacred space in my life for these new additions could only enhance my remaining days among the living.
If I can get some people to join, we could even meet weekly at the Center for Living Arts to check in and offer support and encouragement. Anyone?
Blessings,
Dino
Walk for one hour every day.
Meditate or focus on energy or deep breathing or prayer for a period of 20 minutes (all at once).
Eat only food.
Drink only natural fluids.
Let go of negativity in all forms.
I come from a bit of a health background. I have been a licensed massage therapist for 10 years and I've been teaching anatomy, physiology, kinesiology, pathology, cpr, first aid and basic health for 9 years at Blackhawk and Alive and Wellness. However, that shouldn't convince you of anything. What I'm proposing is to get back to some natural living in my life...common sense.
When I look at the habits of my daily life, I see a bunch of crap going in and out of my awareness and body. If you've followed past blogs, you may be aware of my issue with weight, but this has much more to do with well being than it has to do with weight.
Walk one hour every day.
What a simple task; walking. I'm not even talking power walking. I'm speaking of going out for a nice clip of a stroll for one hour every day. Our bodies are not built for long periods of sitting on our arses. They are built to move and by simple movement, the lymph and immune systems get busy. Walking also uses every muscle of the body and keeps the connective tissue that surrounds, envelops and supports our bodies in a more subtle and fluid like state. I'm a stiff guy and I am aware of the fasciae (saran wrap) that clamps down on my muscles and keeps me rigid when I do not keep my body moving. I spend most of my days sitting or standing and moving from A to B. I need more movement in my life. What makes a person feel old more than anything else? Lack of mobility. I'll keep the gray hairs and wrinkles, but let me dance, dammit! What if it rains? I will walk in the mall or simply get wet.
Meditate for 20 minutes every day.
Studies done in 2003 show that one of the healthiest things you can do everyday is to meditate or watch the mind for 20 minutes. It show significant increases in oxygen supply to the brain and body, decreases cortisol (stress hormone) and boosts immune system. Stress adds fuel to any "fire" we have been tending in our lives. By reducing the fuel, you cannot help but tame the fire. It's 20 minutes. Just 20. I waste more than 20 minutes a day on FB, I bet.
Eat and drink only natural.
I eat relatively well, but man I put in way to much processed food like Baked Doritos and Cheetos. I'm going to go one month eating as close to all natural as is possible. Things that have ingredients like apples, carrots, spinach, steak, potatoes, cheese, eggs, broccoli, pears, bananas, etc. Natural food. Natural drinks like water, orange juice, wine and beer. Yes I will still drink wine and beer, of course in moderation, but no pop; especially no diet soda or crystal light crap. If I want ice cream, I will make it myself with natural ingredients. I will keep sugar to a minimum. Once a week, I will have a day to eat whatever the hell I want for a few hours. I'm not doing this to discipline myself. I'm doing this to see how I feel after a month of natural food (as natural as we can get nowadays). So I'm putting a day to let loose of all this healthy living. Everything in moderation; even an all natural diet.
Let Go of Negativity in all forms.
This will be the hardest for me as I'm prone to be pissy and to be a self made victim of my own thoughts. But I will do my best to recognize negative thoughts and states of being and simply recognize them as negative thoughts and states of being. By simply recognizing that negativity is arising I can create a bit of 'breathing room' in my awareness and all the thoughts to pass on their own.
I want to start on April 2nd and end on April 30th. Only a fool would start a new thing on April fool's day. I will keep you posted on my progress and hopefully a person or two will join me this. Anyone?
Since becoming a father, I see my time on this planet passing before my eyes all too quickly leaving me feeling older and older. I do not want to be the 58 year old dad at my kid's high school graduation barely able to walk up into the bleechers and being tired all the time. I dropped a 20 year cigarette habit 6 years ago, I exercise on a much more frequent basis and I have a lot of joy in my life, but I think making sacred space in my life for these new additions could only enhance my remaining days among the living.
If I can get some people to join, we could even meet weekly at the Center for Living Arts to check in and offer support and encouragement. Anyone?
Blessings,
Dino
Thursday, March 15, 2012
On Money
Well, here we are again after a lovely, but long break. I have good intentions to write and I have a show coming up next week, so that's the excuse that I'm giving. We have been without our normal daycare since January and my little buddy doesn't see the need for this blog. I have a few minutes so here I am.
I woke up very early this morning and was thinking about money. I then remembered a friend saying to me on Sunday that she wishes we could convince people that money just wasn't that important. Then I saw a post on FB from Neale Donald Walsch about the same subject. Coincidence? I think not.
Here's my bit about money. I dislike that most of us in our society and in our culture specifically, have made our lives about getting and spending money. It's the way we run our lives. It's the way that we define the state of our nation: 'are we buying things?' Keep the money flowing or we're dead in the water.
For me it has been a great pre-occupation for most of my life. It dictated my success. If I had a lot, I was successful. If I did not, I was not. But to be honest, I've never really had a lot of money. But I suppose that it's all relative. Personally, I've never made more than $45K in a year. I certainly don't make that much now. In fact I make just a bit less than I did when I started working when I was in my early 20's. It's very easy to look at my life by those standards and say that I have failed; miserably.
But I feel more successful than I have ever been in my life. I have a great schedule. I teach at a community college 2 days and nights a week, I run a business doing something that I love and I get to spend 3 days a week with my son during this precious time that he is not in school. By THOSE standards, I am blessed beyond measure. So I choose the measurement by which I judge my life.
However, I struggle to make ends meet...WE struggle to make ends meet. We have times of robbing Peter to pay Paul and sometimes just praying to God that everything works out for us to keep our house and our business running. So far, so good. My best friend said a few months back that he works very hard for the money he makes. I countered with, "I work very hard for the money I DON'T make." I do. I'm sure I work about the same amount as everyone. I'm sure there are people all over working 2 and even three jobs to make ends meet. There are certainly people who work harder than I do. AND some people don't even call what I do work. For those people, I say, "mounting a theatre production with a cast of 15-55 with a staff of two and a few lovely helpers is hard, mutha-bucking work."
But the Center is my calling. It's what I have been put on the planet to do; work with kids and hopefully inspire them to always live from their creative center. If I did anything else on the planet, I wouldn't be fulfilling my potential; I wouldn't be on the right path. I know that is the truth. I would have thrown in the towel long ago were it not. But it's funny to me that it does not pay my mortgage on a consistent basis. I find myself at points of my life wishing that I'd been something else...something else that paid the damn bills. But nothing else has ever called me like theatre...the way we do theatre. It is my ministry (service) to my part of the garden.
And that brings me to my point. It's bothersome to me that we live in a society that looks at what I do and does not value it or more to the point, REWARD it with a decent wage. I do not have anything against the rich at all. More power to them. But I don't want to be rich. I want to be able to pay the mortgage on my middle class/blue collar home. I want my family to be secure with basic healthcare. I want exactly the same stuff that I have now without the constant fear that if I screw up, I'll lose it all in a second. I'd like a vacation that lasts for more than 2-3 days every 5 years or so.
So, as I said when I was in college....I WISH MONEY DIDN'T EXIST. I want to live in the world of Star Trek where people just do what they are called to do and provide service to each other without having to pay the damn bills. I'm just sick of it. We live in a world and in a technological age that if we put our minds to it we could wipe out any type of NEED in our culture. There's no dearth of food on the planet. There's not lack of materials or 'know-how' to build a self sustaining community OFF the GRID. Maybe a commune is in my cards eventually? Who knows? I know that I do sound like a liberal hippie type, but it's my truth.
We're in such trouble economically in this country and it seems like the only thing we're trying to do is figure out how to fix a problem by putting a band-aid on it. It's like giving a person who eats like shit all the time, some drug so they don't feel bad. When changing their eating habits would solve their problem for good. Is there no one talking about how America could go 'rogue' and just decide to be self sustaining? To be a nation that simply decides to wipe out homelessness and hunger and poor health and let everyone live a comfortable life?
Sure there would be a period of unrest as those who constantly need to compare and compete would go absolutely nuts, but eventually the norm would be that everyone has a home, has food to eat. If we took care of the necessities, then we could focus on our individual callings. Some would choose to serve as: doctors, actors, singers, designers, etc. I've heard the argument that no one would want to cook for other people; no one would want to pick up trash if they had the choice. You know what? If I only focused on how I could serve, I would totally pick up trash. I love getting dirty. It just seems to me that there must be a who new paradigm out there where our focus is on one of service rather than competition and CASH.
Would there be people who would exploit the system? Yes. What do we do with them? I don't know. Provide education. It would take a generation or two or five to develop, tweek and finally normalize a new way of life, but looking at all we've done as a species on the planet so far, I just know it's in us to create a better world. Kum ba ya!
And so for now, please notice that I have advertisers on my blog. I have to pay the bills! Keep on. Let's keep the conversation going!
Blessings for now....and don't you dare call me a socialist! Hell, call me a socialist! Labels are labels. I want to live a life of peace and service to my fellow man/woman following the call of my heart. We may not reach the ending, but we can start. Let's scrap the whole mess and build new!
I woke up very early this morning and was thinking about money. I then remembered a friend saying to me on Sunday that she wishes we could convince people that money just wasn't that important. Then I saw a post on FB from Neale Donald Walsch about the same subject. Coincidence? I think not.
Here's my bit about money. I dislike that most of us in our society and in our culture specifically, have made our lives about getting and spending money. It's the way we run our lives. It's the way that we define the state of our nation: 'are we buying things?' Keep the money flowing or we're dead in the water.
For me it has been a great pre-occupation for most of my life. It dictated my success. If I had a lot, I was successful. If I did not, I was not. But to be honest, I've never really had a lot of money. But I suppose that it's all relative. Personally, I've never made more than $45K in a year. I certainly don't make that much now. In fact I make just a bit less than I did when I started working when I was in my early 20's. It's very easy to look at my life by those standards and say that I have failed; miserably.
But I feel more successful than I have ever been in my life. I have a great schedule. I teach at a community college 2 days and nights a week, I run a business doing something that I love and I get to spend 3 days a week with my son during this precious time that he is not in school. By THOSE standards, I am blessed beyond measure. So I choose the measurement by which I judge my life.
However, I struggle to make ends meet...WE struggle to make ends meet. We have times of robbing Peter to pay Paul and sometimes just praying to God that everything works out for us to keep our house and our business running. So far, so good. My best friend said a few months back that he works very hard for the money he makes. I countered with, "I work very hard for the money I DON'T make." I do. I'm sure I work about the same amount as everyone. I'm sure there are people all over working 2 and even three jobs to make ends meet. There are certainly people who work harder than I do. AND some people don't even call what I do work. For those people, I say, "mounting a theatre production with a cast of 15-55 with a staff of two and a few lovely helpers is hard, mutha-bucking work."
But the Center is my calling. It's what I have been put on the planet to do; work with kids and hopefully inspire them to always live from their creative center. If I did anything else on the planet, I wouldn't be fulfilling my potential; I wouldn't be on the right path. I know that is the truth. I would have thrown in the towel long ago were it not. But it's funny to me that it does not pay my mortgage on a consistent basis. I find myself at points of my life wishing that I'd been something else...something else that paid the damn bills. But nothing else has ever called me like theatre...the way we do theatre. It is my ministry (service) to my part of the garden.
And that brings me to my point. It's bothersome to me that we live in a society that looks at what I do and does not value it or more to the point, REWARD it with a decent wage. I do not have anything against the rich at all. More power to them. But I don't want to be rich. I want to be able to pay the mortgage on my middle class/blue collar home. I want my family to be secure with basic healthcare. I want exactly the same stuff that I have now without the constant fear that if I screw up, I'll lose it all in a second. I'd like a vacation that lasts for more than 2-3 days every 5 years or so.
So, as I said when I was in college....I WISH MONEY DIDN'T EXIST. I want to live in the world of Star Trek where people just do what they are called to do and provide service to each other without having to pay the damn bills. I'm just sick of it. We live in a world and in a technological age that if we put our minds to it we could wipe out any type of NEED in our culture. There's no dearth of food on the planet. There's not lack of materials or 'know-how' to build a self sustaining community OFF the GRID. Maybe a commune is in my cards eventually? Who knows? I know that I do sound like a liberal hippie type, but it's my truth.
We're in such trouble economically in this country and it seems like the only thing we're trying to do is figure out how to fix a problem by putting a band-aid on it. It's like giving a person who eats like shit all the time, some drug so they don't feel bad. When changing their eating habits would solve their problem for good. Is there no one talking about how America could go 'rogue' and just decide to be self sustaining? To be a nation that simply decides to wipe out homelessness and hunger and poor health and let everyone live a comfortable life?
Sure there would be a period of unrest as those who constantly need to compare and compete would go absolutely nuts, but eventually the norm would be that everyone has a home, has food to eat. If we took care of the necessities, then we could focus on our individual callings. Some would choose to serve as: doctors, actors, singers, designers, etc. I've heard the argument that no one would want to cook for other people; no one would want to pick up trash if they had the choice. You know what? If I only focused on how I could serve, I would totally pick up trash. I love getting dirty. It just seems to me that there must be a who new paradigm out there where our focus is on one of service rather than competition and CASH.
Would there be people who would exploit the system? Yes. What do we do with them? I don't know. Provide education. It would take a generation or two or five to develop, tweek and finally normalize a new way of life, but looking at all we've done as a species on the planet so far, I just know it's in us to create a better world. Kum ba ya!
And so for now, please notice that I have advertisers on my blog. I have to pay the bills! Keep on. Let's keep the conversation going!
Blessings for now....and don't you dare call me a socialist! Hell, call me a socialist! Labels are labels. I want to live a life of peace and service to my fellow man/woman following the call of my heart. We may not reach the ending, but we can start. Let's scrap the whole mess and build new!
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
I'm Back!
So....what started out as a 'post a day' turned into a few posts a week, then turned into, "I'm too damn busy to write!" But I've missed you all. Well, I've certainly found that writing is something that I find valuable and that I enjoy very much. Life has been relatively challenging the last several weeks and my mode and mood has moved from one of enrichment to basic survival. We seem to be surviving for the time being, so back to some enrichment. Good news.
My spiritual practice has definitely taken some hits....never did a day go by without at least a moment to practice, but the daily 20 -30 minute meditation did NOT happen for SEVERAL days over the last 6 weeks. Again, survival. Although I know that taking time to meditate would have possibly moved me through my survival mode faster, I simply did not do it.
We hit a very low enrollment at the Center right at the top of the year with only 19 students registered for our largest class. Then through some posting of friends and people just realizing that our semester had started, we skyrocketed to 48 students in that one class in a matter of days. However the period of only 19 students scared the living hell out of me. We simply cannot function on 19 students. We would have faced certain bankruptcy within a few months. BUT we didn't. I still believe in miracles.
Since I am an adjunct at BlackHawk College, I get an entire 5 weeks off at Christmas time! It is wonderful to have all that time off, but since I am an adjunct at BlackHawk, I do not get any pay for that time off. This always makes the month of January a pain in the ass for me; for us. So I have decided that this is the last year I will put us through that situation.
I have decided to go back for my master's degree. I'm looking for an MDiv with a Unitarian endorsement. I'm going to be a minister or teach in a seminary or do both. My spiritual views are very liberal, mystic, perennial and universal and I think the world needs more of 'that' out there. So I'm going back to school, dude! I have applied at Phillips Theological Seminary in Tulsa, OK. Mostly online, but will have several week-long intensives on campus throughout my education.
I do not know what this means for the Center, but I don't need to know that yet. I trust that when it comes time for a shift to be made, the shift will be made. I will just stay tuned-in to the shifting. Who knows, maybe it will end up being the arts and spirituality center I always wanted it to be? I don't know such things. On the other hand we may just close up shop. It's hard to keep the place running at times and I'd rather share my life and time at home with my precious family enjoying each other, playing ball, taking walks, singing, sharing meals, drinking wine and riding motorcycles. Not in that order of course. We've been here for almost 6 years. We've worked with approximately 1500 youth in that time.We've provided a needed service. Nothing lasts forever on this planet. We shall see.
The Center seemed like a dream come true for me. I have great difficulty letting it go. Eli loves to be there. Thinking of taking that away from him breaks my heart a bit, but all of that is just 'story' right now. Stuff my head is making up to keep me away from being present to this moment and my life as it is.
It's funny how our minds continously tell us stories. Stories of how we have been victimized from others (whatever/whoever they may be). Stories of how people are so much 'less than' us and how they should just do as we think they should do. Stories of anger and wanting to fight back against ______________. But they are all just stories. Simple words made into sentences with added emotional charge. THEY ARE NOT US. They are just words and emotion that ultimately fade away given the space to do so. It is my knowing that WE are the space in which all that stuff passes through, not the stuff itself.
I've certainly come to own that notion over the last month or so. When faced with possible bankruptcy, my thoughts were all over the place and saturated with fear, but the thing is...all of that stress that I built up, all of those talks Tina and I had, all of the anger, hurt and fear that we experienced, all of that junk that shook us to our very core.....WAS NOT REAL. It was entirely made up in our minds. More in my mind than Tina's mind. I made it up and then transferred it to her like a virus. And to think that I tell this girl that I love her and then can spread something like that. I gave my wife a PTD (psychically transmitted disease). If only we had condoms for our minds! I don't know if they make them big enough! HA.
So if all of that was made up, conjecture, what else is also made up? I venture to say MOST OF IT. We don't have to make a story out of everything. We don't have to tell ourselves about the worst that will happen. I think we're addicted to the drama of it all. At least I am. Hello, my name is Dino Hayz and I am addicted to the drama of my life. The first step is admitting it. Now to get off it.
Getting back into the meditation on a regular basis and spending time watching the thoughts go by without make a big to do about them is helping me find center again.
I've come to realize that this blog is aptly titled. It's called FINDING Center. Not "Center, done found." It's all a process. My experience is like a pendulum, going from one extreme to another, but the goal is always to remember where Center is. And if I'm going to swing, let me swing FROM that place.
Peace and love. More soon.
Blessings,
Dino
My spiritual practice has definitely taken some hits....never did a day go by without at least a moment to practice, but the daily 20 -30 minute meditation did NOT happen for SEVERAL days over the last 6 weeks. Again, survival. Although I know that taking time to meditate would have possibly moved me through my survival mode faster, I simply did not do it.
We hit a very low enrollment at the Center right at the top of the year with only 19 students registered for our largest class. Then through some posting of friends and people just realizing that our semester had started, we skyrocketed to 48 students in that one class in a matter of days. However the period of only 19 students scared the living hell out of me. We simply cannot function on 19 students. We would have faced certain bankruptcy within a few months. BUT we didn't. I still believe in miracles.
Since I am an adjunct at BlackHawk College, I get an entire 5 weeks off at Christmas time! It is wonderful to have all that time off, but since I am an adjunct at BlackHawk, I do not get any pay for that time off. This always makes the month of January a pain in the ass for me; for us. So I have decided that this is the last year I will put us through that situation.
I have decided to go back for my master's degree. I'm looking for an MDiv with a Unitarian endorsement. I'm going to be a minister or teach in a seminary or do both. My spiritual views are very liberal, mystic, perennial and universal and I think the world needs more of 'that' out there. So I'm going back to school, dude! I have applied at Phillips Theological Seminary in Tulsa, OK. Mostly online, but will have several week-long intensives on campus throughout my education.
I do not know what this means for the Center, but I don't need to know that yet. I trust that when it comes time for a shift to be made, the shift will be made. I will just stay tuned-in to the shifting. Who knows, maybe it will end up being the arts and spirituality center I always wanted it to be? I don't know such things. On the other hand we may just close up shop. It's hard to keep the place running at times and I'd rather share my life and time at home with my precious family enjoying each other, playing ball, taking walks, singing, sharing meals, drinking wine and riding motorcycles. Not in that order of course. We've been here for almost 6 years. We've worked with approximately 1500 youth in that time.We've provided a needed service. Nothing lasts forever on this planet. We shall see.
The Center seemed like a dream come true for me. I have great difficulty letting it go. Eli loves to be there. Thinking of taking that away from him breaks my heart a bit, but all of that is just 'story' right now. Stuff my head is making up to keep me away from being present to this moment and my life as it is.
It's funny how our minds continously tell us stories. Stories of how we have been victimized from others (whatever/whoever they may be). Stories of how people are so much 'less than' us and how they should just do as we think they should do. Stories of anger and wanting to fight back against ______________. But they are all just stories. Simple words made into sentences with added emotional charge. THEY ARE NOT US. They are just words and emotion that ultimately fade away given the space to do so. It is my knowing that WE are the space in which all that stuff passes through, not the stuff itself.
I've certainly come to own that notion over the last month or so. When faced with possible bankruptcy, my thoughts were all over the place and saturated with fear, but the thing is...all of that stress that I built up, all of those talks Tina and I had, all of the anger, hurt and fear that we experienced, all of that junk that shook us to our very core.....WAS NOT REAL. It was entirely made up in our minds. More in my mind than Tina's mind. I made it up and then transferred it to her like a virus. And to think that I tell this girl that I love her and then can spread something like that. I gave my wife a PTD (psychically transmitted disease). If only we had condoms for our minds! I don't know if they make them big enough! HA.
So if all of that was made up, conjecture, what else is also made up? I venture to say MOST OF IT. We don't have to make a story out of everything. We don't have to tell ourselves about the worst that will happen. I think we're addicted to the drama of it all. At least I am. Hello, my name is Dino Hayz and I am addicted to the drama of my life. The first step is admitting it. Now to get off it.
Getting back into the meditation on a regular basis and spending time watching the thoughts go by without make a big to do about them is helping me find center again.
I've come to realize that this blog is aptly titled. It's called FINDING Center. Not "Center, done found." It's all a process. My experience is like a pendulum, going from one extreme to another, but the goal is always to remember where Center is. And if I'm going to swing, let me swing FROM that place.
Peace and love. More soon.
Blessings,
Dino
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