Life is a _________!

You can fill in the blank to the above statement. I have gone back and forth with many descriptive words over the last week; some positive, some down right hellish. I'm doing my best to find center these days.

Big Bad News
We found out one week ago that my wife's father has stage four thymic carcinoma. He has been given 6 months to live without treatment and possibly a year to 18 months with treatment. He begins his chemo on Friday and will see how it affects him. He told us Friday night when they came to visit that he wants quality over quantity. And I support that greatly. I affirm his decision.

Tina is handling this like she handles all things; with grace and practicality. She has sprung into action to do whatever she can to spend time with her daddy and to help as much as possible. She'll be going to Indiana this weekend to spend time with her dad after his first chemo treatment.

Me? I'll be here doing RENT at the theatre. It's a story about love, death, loss and overcoming the mind to accept the gift of the present moment. "No day but today" is one of its primary themes. It certainly has a deeper meaning now. Of course it had a deeper meaning after losing my father so freakishly last year as well. I will do all that I can to get to know this man (Tina's dad) as much as possible these next few months and I will do whatever I am able to do to ease his transition. I have wept a great deal the last week and expect to do so quite a bit more.

An interesting note....
The other day Eli and I were doing our afternoon 'cuddle' before naptime and he picked up his little play cell phone and was talking to grandpa. I asked him if he was talking  to "Grandpa Doug." (Tina's dad)

He said, "No, Grandpa Carmichael" (my dad). I asked him what Grandpa Carmichael was doing and he said, "He just caught a fish. He catches a lot of fish in heaven."

Eli is three.

"What else did he say?"  I asked as I was a bit freaked out that he mentioned fishing, because we really haven't talked about that part of my dad's life too much. He died fishing.

"He said he loves me and misses me." I nearly cried then and I am crying now.

Many of you know my thoughts of heaven and hell and all of that jazz, but I don't really know that there IS a heaven. We tell Eli that Grandpa Carmichael went to heaven because he is three. We tell him that Grandpa Carmichael also lives in his heart. Now don't get me wrong, I HOPE to HEAVEN there's a Heaven! I think it would be fantastic to be reunited with our loved ones. I do believe in the continuation of the energy/soul/spirit/ that makes us alive, but I have my doubts about the personality remaining intact once we've dropped the body.

I mean, where does the electricity go when the light bulb burns out? It simply gets used somewhere else in the house, right? If the medium through which the energy travels cannot support the energy coming to it, the energy just doesn't go there.

Does the bulb live on? God, I hope not. I've thrown them away my whole life. However, I still hope, if even naively, that some part of me as Dino does live on. But hoping something, believing something and knowing something are all very different things.

I have had little bouts with past lives, I think. I have had memories come wafting through my mind in the wee hours of the morning that were not from my present lifetime. When was I ever a lady in the 1890's cooking in a log cabin? When? (Obviously in the 1890's, because that is one of my memories...much more than mere imagination, I tell you.)  In fact, most mornings when I wake up, I have to really shake off the night before, questioning what is true for me as I begin my day. But I digress...(that paragraph will probably release many of my friends from believing me sane...but the hell with it...this shit is on my mind and every word is true)...

My view of death is that we do it every night. We go unconscious every single day. We lose all track of time, space and of Self. Then we awaken to a new day. People who come out of years-long comas have no idea of how much time has passed. It could have been 10 years of no awareness, then bam...they're back.

It seems to me death is just like that. We just don't know if we come back from the non-aware state. But if we don't...we won't ever know it. No biggie...for us. Very much a biggie for those left behind.

I think the dying part is much worse than the death part. My dad, hopefully, died very quickly. It's the suffering I want to help alleviate. But as the Buddha said, 'life is suffering.' You can attempt to run from it, but it's always there to some degree. Some days/months/years/decades are better than others. But the Buddha also said you can transcend suffering. You can learn to detach your sense of self from the transitory things that fill this life up. Things come and go. Good times. Bad times. Let them come. Let them go. You remain. Always. No matter what.

Maybe even until the end of the earth.
I hope so.