Finding Center: Preparation. Beginning my year of Centering Prayer

After a good three days with extended family during Thanksgiving, I find myself off center and struggling to return to peace. It's funny how family has that way of pushing your buttons. They were the ones who did a good chunk of your initial programming during your youth, therefore they know where and exactly how to 'get you.'

I dealt with a lot of that over the holiday weekend. Noticing many of my old stories popping into my head; stories of victim-hood and the need to break free and be independent. Funny thing is, I am 43 years old, left home when I was 18 without so much as a glance over my shoulders and find that I am still chained to old reactions and old behavior patterns. Patterns that I sincerely thought were left back in my hometown.

So for the PURPOSE of this blog...I am a man searching for Truth. I know in my heart of hearts that I can live from a place of peace and ease. I know in my bones that I carry a potential of so much more than I demonstrate now. I know it to be true that I am a child of the Universe, God, All That Is, (name yours), etc, but I find myself not able to sustain that way of living at ALL. I need help. After 20 years of much seeking, I find myself unable to 'get there' on my own. I am trying something new.

I am hereby making a commitment to myself and the 'world' (you) that I will begin a sincere practice of meditation on a daily basis. The form I am choosing is called Centering Prayer; it is a method of surrender. I have been 'centering' for several years, but not on a daily basis. Circumstances seem to pull my away from my practice. I am hopeful that posting here will keep me honest and accountable.

I will practice Centering Prayer at least once for 30 minutes everyday. If my time allows, I will have another 20 minute session...but I am committed to the 30 minutes.

Why? Because I know that I am so much more than my flippant and ever changing emotions. I believe that at my depths I am a piece of God, a tiny spark of Creation....Christ in potential. I want that 'me' to come out and play. I want the wise, strong and centered being at my core to be the one that shows up in my life. Not the pissy, needy and manipulative dude that loves to ruin nearly every waking moment.

But the truth....I'm also searching for something more. I'm searching for God. But I certainly have stopped believing in the vision of God from my childhood. I know God is there....I feel it. But it is not what most people think of when they think of God. I believe that God is primarily a Mystery and that we as humans have hardly ANY knowledge of it at all. Yes, I used the word IT. The God that I FEEL exists is not a woman or a man or an anything that I can describe.

I had a unified spiritual experience about 15 years ago that has made a lasting change on my spirit. I cannot even begin to describe it, but I will say that the line, "make me one with everything" is not just the punchline of a Buddhist joke. It was my reality for a period of 7 days. And without trying to re-create that experience, I was certainly shown that Life, and all of us, is so much more than we currently demonstrate.

But it's been a long, dry 15 years. The pull to seek is ever present, but the experience and cool little synchronicities that used to dot my spiritual landscape has gone away, dried up and scattered like dust in the wind. I have lost a lot of my 'faith.' I have doubted my experience, my life and even the existence of God. But I know something is there...But I must find it through truth, contemplation, meditation. I simply cannot believe for the sake of believing. That is not true Faith to me. I'm not sure what Faith is to me anymore, but it is certainly not believing blindly.

So to my task. I will begin a daily practice of Centering Prayer. Here is the practice I will follow:

1. Choose a sacred word as the symbol of your intention to consent to God’s presence and action within.

2

Sitting comfortably and with eyes closed, settle briefly and silently introduce the sacred word as the symbol of your consent to God’s presence and action within.

3

When engaged with your thoughts*, return ever-so gently to the sacred word.

4

At the end of the prayer period, remain in silence with eyes closed for a couple of minutes.

• Thoughts include body sensations, feelings, images, and reflections

I have many more thoughts and life stories that will be added as I go, but I'm looking for this to be the beginning of a year long quest. I do not believe that I will 'arrive' any place special, but I want to share the journey.

As I enter into my seminary work, I look at this as a large part of my ministry and a true crystalization of my inner stirrings.
Blessings,
Dino Hayz