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A rough couple of days emotionally for me. I find it funny that this whole experiment is called Finding Center; because that is not how I am feeling. Obviously, the FINDING part is taking a while. However, I continue on with my meditations and prayer sessions. I wish I could say like clockwork, but I cannot. I center whenever I can. A few times it's been the last half hour of my day.

I have to say that I do see the value of creating intentional quiet. At least the attempt at intentional quiet. After these last 2 1/2 weeks, I can only really attest to maybe three total sessions where 'peace and ease' was my experience. Right now, it's been a lot of roller coaster rides with thought. I really enjoy the Hindu and Buddhist description of this as 'monkey mind.' My monkey is down right pissed off and flinging shit all over the place during my 'peaceful meditations.' But I keep on keeping on.

There has become some inner space in my mind lately. More on some days, less during others. But there just seems to be a little bit less of an edge on life. More space. God, it's hard to describe this. I guess I'm just not as caught up in thought as I usually am. Granted, as I said at the top, it's been a rough couple of days for me emotionally, but even with the preoccupation with pissiness and the anger/hurt/fear/rage that is lying just under the surface; I find myself better able to simply watch it all rather than act from it. That's not to say that I have not acted from that place, because I have. But not to the extent that I would have normally. I can be a mean son of a bitch when pushed (or just when I feel like it...I don't have to be pushed). But lately the desire and even the intensity of that SOB is quite diffused. That's good. I hope.

I have to say there's a bit of...a bunch of....a hell of a lot of FEAR at looking at all of this stuff. In this year long Centering Prayer/meditation experiment I have basically decided to watch and disengage/disidentify from my thoughts rather than just think them..or be them. What I'm finding is that the more I watch the more I see (duh) and some of the stuff I'm seeing is shit I don't want to see. But at this point it's kind of like watching a car wreck. I don't really want to see it, but I can't take my eyes off of it. It's called the 'shadow.' (scary, foreboding music playing...)

I've studied enough spirituality/religion/spiritual practices over the last 23 years to know intellectually what's going on, but I'm trying to limit what I post to my own experience; what I'm actually noticing as I travel this road. Some days what is prevalent after a session is simply thoughts about how I should or want to live my life. Some days, I'm over-run by the whole process; like today. I feel a bit beat up. But I feel that feeling...acknowledge it as best I can...and then surrender it to the Process. Interesting. I can say that was not my WAY a month ago. So maybe some 'progress.'

Hopefully more thoughts on life, love and passion coming soon. I appreciate your comments, emails and 'likes' on FB. I apologize for not responding to most, but I am very touched that you do so. I hold you in my prayers and wish for you the depths of Peace in your life.
Blessings,
Dino