On People Pleasing

Good day!

My overall energy and vibe have returned to more of a CENTERED place. I wish I could say I called it forth, but in all honesty, the storm simply passed and I am feeling much more calm. I'm reminded of the quote that we should not fear the storms, but instead learn how to dance in the rain. Nice.

As you know, I contemplate my death frequently. I put myself into a place of looking back on my life from the end and letting that perspective offer some guidance. I was doing that this morning right after my centering/prayer session and I was bombarded with the idea of finally letting the 'people pleaser' in me fall away. So let's get into this...

Hello. My name is Dino Hayz. And I am a people pleaser. I've been without a bout of people pleasing for 2 days. It's hard, but I really think I can stay on the wagon this time. (no dis-respct for 12 step programs at all, this is just an issue for me)

So let's define a people pleaser. I define it as one who goes out of their way to please people (easy, so far right?) while not respecting their own boundaries. One who will say YES to something they really would rather say NO to in hopes that by saying YES, they will win the approval and support of the YESee. Now there are certain levels here and also times when it is smart to do something for the good of the whole, but that's not what I'm talking about here. I'm talking about living your life according to the dictates of the world rather than your own inner guidance.

I have suffered from this affliction for a good many years. I learned it as a child. My dad left when I was ten years old which forced my mom out of the house to make a living; second shift. This forced me to spend a great deal of time alone, fending for myself. I was ten. I needed to survive. The tactic: learn to make friends with strong people and agree with them so they will like me and keep me safe.

I think many people use this as a form of survival. It's how we learn to be in this world, but there comes a time when it is no longer useful for many of us and should be laid aside. While I have suffered from this for most of my life, I can say with certainty that I am much more true to myself than I used to be. When I was in my twenties, I was still very much a 'whatever you say, sir' type of guy. It didn't matter to me at the time. If they had any type of status that I admired, I was their guy. However, this becomes problematic once you start being 'their guy' to more than one person. Not so bad if they have similar views, but downright problematic if they disagree. Ugh...I remember this time of my life with such a feeling of dread. I had no idea who I was, what I wanted, who was right, who was wrong, etc. But dang it, I kept being the yes man for as long as I could. It was the only way I knew.

Then life crumbled completely. It had to crumble. There is no way that you can maintain a YES to everyone in your life in that way. I was devastated. The people around me were devastated. It was bad; living according to the dictates of other's hearts rather than your own. After the dust had settled a bit, years later, I vowed to always speak my truth no matter who got pissed by it. Those who I did not agree with were released from my life with my blessings. I was starting over.

And I've done alright, but my people pleasing has gone more 'inside' than before. It's harder to recognize it. But on the outside of things, I'm pretty good. I now refuse to work in a job that I cannot stomach. I just won't do it. I refuse to say things that are false just to get someone to like me. BUT I will not speak a truth if I feel it will make someone uncomfortable. I will withhold my opinion on many issues if someone is in direct opposition to my own. See it's still there, just deeper and in a different form.

Certainly there are times when throwing your opinion around just becomes a pissing match. "I am right. You are wrong." And I choose silence during those times as well, but that's a different thing. That is choosing the higher road in many cases. But I know in my heart when I'm choosing the path of Wisdom or the path of 'oh crap, if I say that, they may not like me anymore.' There is a difference and I am well aware of it.

So sometimes it becomes a marker for me to make sure that I AM pissing off someone on a semi-regular basis. We can't be completely true to ourselves without someone being upset by it. They want us to match their story of us. We do the same to others. There are people that I love that piss me off. Why? Simply because they're doing crap I don't want them to do. I remind myself that it is THEIR life. Not mine. I'm a better functioning individual for where I made mistakes and learned from them. Who am I to take that opportunity away from someone else?

My business, The Center for Living Arts, is a good ground for this discussion. We do theatre with youth. Everything was going fine with our attendance until some people got offended for a show we produced. What was the show? RENT? SPRING AWAKENING? O'CALCUTTA?

No. Godspell. A musical based on the gospel of Matthew. A group of people were 'very disappointed' we chose to preach to their children rather than teach them theatre. Good lord, really? The show is really not preachy and we never even sat down to pray once during the rehearsal. Good music. Good fun. Not a show for everyone, I know. But that is one instance of us thinking, "Well, maybe we just stay clear of any show that deals with spirituality."

Then when we actually did perform RENT, we heard from the other side, "it's just unethical to do a show about AIDS and homosexuality with teens." It made us think, "Well, maybe we just stay clear of any show that deals with real life issues."

I know!!  We can do this wonderful show called, VANILLA.

Tina and I decided to follow our hearts and do whatever show we need/want to do at any given time. The more artistically pleasing shows are usually less well known, but we do them any way. When we need to make sure we have solid attendance, we do a more popular show. We have to do both to keep the business thriving and to keep our spirits thriving.

All of this reminds me of an old Indian parable:

An old man, a little boy, and a donkey traveled through a village. The little boy was riding the donkey and the old man was walking next to it. The townspeople exclaimed, "look at how that selfish young boy rides the donkey while that poor old man has to walk."

So the old man and the young boy switched places.

When they got to the next village, the townspeople cried, "look at how that grown man rides the donkey while that poor little boy has to walk."

So they both got on the donkey.

When they got to the next village, the townspeople yelled, "look at how those two ride on that poor small donkey when one of them could easily walk."

So the old man and little boy both walked next the donkey.

When they got to the next town, the villagers laughed, "look at how those two walk next to a perfectly good donkey, when they could ride it."

Suddenly the donkey escaped their clutches, ran off and fell into a river.



The moral of the story is, "if you try to please the multitude, you'll end up losing your ass!"

That is so good! I love it love it love it! We  need to realize and remember often that it's OUR LIFE that we're talking about here. I do not want to be on my death bed reviewing my life and realizing I never did the things that I really wanted to do. From the mundane trivial items, like getting a tattoo; to the bigger issues like "I want to move away and live in the mountains." It's my life.

When all is said and done, whose story will I tell?

Blessings for a beautiful day!
BeYOUtilFULL!!
Dino