On Choice

I hope your weekend was good. We had completely sold out shows for our production of Schoolhouse Rock Live! We are very grateful for our cast and families that support our mission of bringing the benefits of the arts to kids. Now on to task...

I have stuck to my resolve every day so far and have maintained my practice of Centering Prayer. I certainly do feel more at ease than I did last week at this time and my stress level during the weekend was lower than I would have expected. This is good. I am very glad that I have made this a priority.

I have been thinking about it and wanted to clarify a statement I made last week,
"I have long stopped believing that I am in control of much of anything. My best thinking has gotten me into some doosies! I enjoy the line, "Where would you have me go? What would you have me do? Who would you have me speak to? What would you have me say?"

Does this mean that I believe I have no choice in my life? Yes. And No. I really believe that choice is relative. I used to believe that people choose their entire destiny, but I do not believe that anymore. Choice requires awareness. Everyone has different levels of awareness. If someone is truly not aware that they are suffering from their own choices and decisions, can they really have choice in the matter?

Now I can certainly look at someone else and realize that they are making a lot of extra drama in their lives. I can realize that they are in fact choosing the drama by their actions and attitudes. I can even tell them all about it and tell them that they can control their life. But unless they have the 'in the bones' awareness of that truth, I do not believe they have any choice in the matter. They are simply acting out of conditioning; and breaking conditioning is a tough gig.

As for my own life and how much CHOICE I have, I would certainly say that I have a good deal of choice and control on a relative scale. But when it comes down to it, I do wonder how much control I have regarding my circumstances. I think it has to do with the depth at which a person lives their life.

When I speak about guidance during prayer, I am never asking some 'God out there' to show me the way. I am sinking into my depths and asking my heart what is best for me. That is where I feel that God is; in my heart. So I turn to my heart for guidance on a regular basis. And to be honest with you, the more I turn to my heart; the more I listen. And the more I listen; the less the choice I feel like I really have in the matter. I can certainly choose to not listen of course, but why would I want to do that?

When I look at the big moments of my life: meeting/loving/marrying Tina, bringing Eli into the world and opening up the Center...these did not feel like I chose them. It feels more like they chose me. I couldn't resist the pull of the heart to manifest these things/happenings/people in my life. It's as if it was pre-destined, or better yet, part of my inherent potential to bring these things into world. They were calling to me my entire life.

Sure I could have said no. In fact, I did say no at least once to all three of these blessings in my life. But I am too in touch with my inner guidance (heart) to resist its promptings. So do I have choice or control here? I'll let you wrestle with that. I have given up trying to 'figure it out' with my rational mind, because it is impossible. None of these things were rational. If I would have followed my rational mind exclusively, none of it would have occured. Plus there were so many synchronicities and small miracles that occured to bring them about, I cannot deny the feeling of 'something more' at work in my life.

Many times in my life I have wondered what it would have been like if I would have chosen a REAL major in college that provided a good career with substantial income. I can't tell you how many times I wish I just would have gone into accounting or business. But honestly my heart would have been so ignored and my life so full of misery, regret and hate that I wonder if I would have lived this long. An acorn has within it, the programming to be the OAK. The baby chick has the programming within it to be a rooster. Why would it not be the same for us? We all have specialized programming within that will lead us to our 'right' action in the world; if we let it.

I used to work for a casino. I made a nice income. I had great benefits. I was debt free. Money was not an issue for me at all. But it was the most dead time of my life; full of angst and fear of a level that I would never wish upon anyone.  Now I work for myself and teach massage part time at a community college. I do theatre with kids and young adults. I constantly struggle with finances, but I am happy with my work. I enjoy what I do. I love the people that I get to spend time with. It is a period of great aliveness for me.

I could have chosen to stay at the casino by being a bit less of who I am and kissing up to the powers that be. But that would have been a poor choice for me and not true to my heart at all.

I see within Eli his potential. He has such a sweet, caring soul. He loves music. He loves to pretend. I wonder what his programming will lead him to become?

I believe our paths and our lives are controlled by our internal 'wiring.' Sure I have choice and some control by saying yes or no to my wiring, but I wonder how far I could go off course before my wiring would pull me back on track?

Kind of a scattered post today. But as Eli says, "cause that's the way it is."
Blessings to you!
Dino