PreOccupied with Pissiness

Hello!
Well, just because I did not post for the last three days, don't assume I have fallen off the wagon. A daily blog with any substance on a continuous basis is too much for me right now. This project is to serve me, not the other way around. So I will do my best to post as often as I can...4-6 times a week. My daily meditation has been going well. I hit a bit of a rocky patch today, but my overall sense of ease is stronger than it usually is and I attribute that to meditation/centering.

Yesterday, my Sabbath, was a day where I NEEDED my centering time. I had been (or let myself be) knocked off center Saturday night as I had a little miscommunication with someone. I awoke Sunday still feeling controlled by thoughts of anger and arrogance. It was troubling my heart so I went into my prayer a bit earlier in the day and brought forth some peace into my world. It did NOT take it all away, but it certainly put me back into a more centered zone.

I'll tell ya, when people piss me off, I really hold on to it. I think about it constantly. I envision the entire conversation a million times. I will even pretend in my mind that I said things that were 'better' or more powerful that the rebuttles that I truly did use. Everything else in my world of perception becomes secondary to how I was wronged and that person should be punished; either by me or everyone else. I think about different forms of revenge. Nothing severe usually, just about how I will cut them off from my grace indefinitely and put them through hell while they pine away.

What a bunch of crap right? I really do not believe much of that stuff right now. I don't even feel much anger over the situation anymore, but it truly is amazing how completely preoccupied I become with the guilt of someone else. It's almost as if I'm completely overtaken by some other entity. Now, please do not think me strange. I assume responsibility for my actions; most of them anyway. (:

But when anger, hurt, fear come raging in, it's almost as if there is a sleeping giant lying in the center of my being and once that giant awakens, there's not much choice I have but to stand witness and let that 'thing' run it's course in me. Here we go on the whole CHOICE thing again, but yesterday, I was so preoccupied with this 'angryman' speaking in my head, it was hard for me to get a word in at all. I do believe the prayer helped. The meditation helped. The inner surrendering and witnessing helped, but it was not instant in removing the giant or putting it back to sleep.

But I don't want it back to sleep. I want it to awaken and then be gone. I would be wise to remember that everything is a process. Sure it would have been nice had my prayer simply zapped my angryman to another dimension, but the truth is that TODAY/NOW the angryman is not here. I AM. I do believe the prayer worked, just not on my timing. I would not like to think what would have happened had I just not prayed, meditated, etc? I'm quite sure it would have been a pretty shitty day. Much shittier than it was.

This is one of those moments that I tell some of my reiki students about. You never know how much your inner awareness and meditation/prayer work pay off. Sure, you're doing all this 'spiritual' work, but you're still pissy a lot. But I wonder how much more pissy you would be had you not been doing the spiritual work. You may be having a bad day and take a few moments to gather your breath and being and then go back to your life. You are still having a bad day and you get a bit snippy with a friend. You may think that your prayer did not work. BUT had you done NOTHING, your reaction to your friend may have been a hell of a lot more than snippy. It could have been down right abusive and hurtful beyond repair. We just don't know. But we keep on.

I find it to be my experience that anytime I start committing to letting more of my light shine, the darkness comes rushing in. It makes sense if you think about it. You don't shine a flashlight into a sunny day, you shine a flashlight to illuminate the darkness. So I'm inviting this in. I must remember that. What you resist persists. What you look at (shine your light upon) goes away. May my recognition of my inner light be stronger than my perceived darkness.

Thank you very much for reading...whoever you are. Blessings to you.
Dino