On Weight

So, this post may not be for everyone. In fact I'm a little cautious to write about this topic because it is such a trigger for me, but the one thing I can say for any type of meditation practice is that it brings up your shit so you can look at it; and hopefully let it go. So I offer this to you with a bit of fear.

I will say that I do not want any exercise or diet advice. Period. I do, however, want your prayers, a listening ear and for you to keep me in your thoughts.

I am a fat guy. My spiritual teachings would say that I need to modify that to, "I have a fat body. I am spirit." But from where I stand right now, I'm a fat guy. I have had extra fat on my body since I was 6 years old. I have been thin (very thin) and I have been very fat (fatter than now). My weight is on a constant 'hill and valley' type of course. Not really yo-yo as that would be too fast a description for me. If you have known me any amount of time over a year, you have seen (maybe, if you pay attention to this type of stuff) me a bit thinner, a bit heavier, a bit thinner, a bit heavier. It just depends on the time of year and my mood. I cycle around on the scale like the Earth orbits the sun. It's almost like clockwork. It's a two year cycle that lands on the low end around 192 and the high end (if I let it) around 260. Most years the high end stays around 230. So I'm screwing around with about 40 pounds of fat every two years. It's a neverending issue with me. I'm shedding light on it so I can maybe find out why.

Again, no advice please. I know how to eat healthily. I know the diet that works best  for me. But I find I'm either sick and tired of carrying around weight OR sick and tired of monitoring my food. Right now, I'm the latter. I dropped about 40 pounds from September 2010 -May 2011. I maintained that loss through the summer until my dad died. Then I went to my hometown, spent a week, came back, went back and then just said to 'hell with it.' The scale is pushing up the 220 mark right now and honestly there are days I don't care and there are days I care so much I want to scream and rip apart my belly and just pull the fat out with my barehands. There are some days that the self-loathing is so high that I wish I were dead. Those days are very few and far between.

So why don't I just keep on a weight loss system of diet and exercise? It's because my weight is not directly caused by my eating. It is caused by emotions and self concept. I am sure of it. I eat to feel good. I eat for celebration. I eat when I'm sad. I eat when I'm bored. I eat to 'feel.' Many would say that I need to feel my feelings instead of trying to eat them away. That's cute. There is probably some truth to this. But I feel like I'm a pretty 'in-touch' with my feelings type of guy. Shit, I'm one of the few guys I know that even CARES about his weight.

I think it also has to do with my personality makeup. When I find something that I like, I want more of it...now. And not in moderation. I really liked doing RENT, so I do it every month at the Center. I really liked performing Godspell. We've been performing for 8 years. I really like Doritos, I can eat a whole bag in an afternoon. Food is my core addiction. Smoking used to be. I smoked at least a pack a day for over 20 years. My weight on the high end was 192...low end 146. It was easy to eat just a bit and then go out for a smoke. Now it's easy to eat just a bit and then go back for seconds.

But self concept is huge (every pun intended) here. I know this to be the real issue for me. I have a poor self concept. Please, the last thing I need is someone telling me that I'm good. None of that matters when you have a poor self image. But man, if you can start to change that image, miracles can happen.

Let me tell you a sweet story. When I fell for Tina, it was an epic event. I was head over heels in love with that woman. I never knew such beauty could exist on this planet. The sun rose every morning just to keep her face and soul out of the dark. I was smitten. I was truly devastated by her in the best way. The cool thing was she liked ME. She loved me. I could not believe that such a being directly from Heaven could love someone like me. I must not be so bad after all. Maybe I'm ok. Everything changed.

Beyond all of that...I started losing weight without effort; without any thought about it at all. I remember my dad coming over to see one of my shows and saying, "how much weight have you lost?" I replied, "NONE." He replied, "bullshit." I weighed. I dropped twenty five pounds without thinking about it. Being in a state of love and self-acceptance caused my eating habits to go back to what most people call normal. Not once did I think about diet during that time. Very cool.

So what happened? Tina is still the divinity that she has always been. We shower each other with love on a daily basis. We are really quite the cute couple. But my self concept has shifted back to one of 'less than.' There are moments when I watch my thoughts about our relationship and I'll hear things like, "Well, she's obviously staying with me because she's a saint. She certainly has seen my negative side like no other person. She's heard me fart. She's smelled me fart. God bless that woman for being here with me, but something must be wrong with her for wanting to stay."

It's all self concept; very poor self concept. Now again, I do not need people telling me that I'm good. But what is amazing is that through daily meditation/centering prayer, this stuff is coming to light and I'm able to begin to see my self talk as simply self-talk; not the truth. I'm sure it will feel like the truth again sometime because that's how all this 'issue stuff' is; in layers. But peeling away this layer can only be beneficial.

Maybe this is a reason people give up on meditation and prayer. It's starts to call forth all the stuff that's in the dark. We usually don't want to see what we're afraid of looking at, thus the dark. Well, that's my experience any way.

So during this time of reflection and continued daily prayer, I will continue to watch my thoughts; especially those about myself. I will become more mindful of what I eat. I'm really bad when it comes to being aware DURING a meal. I just go all "oh my God it's good!" and start shoving it in. You can say you really love a woman and just start kissing her heavily and licking her neck OR you can SHOW her you really love her by kissing her tenderly with awareness; relishing the moment for the beauty that it holds.

I think the same can be said/done with food...and no I'm not talking about anything kinky here...

This felt like more of a therapy session today. I'm hopeful we'll get back to more inspiring topics.
Sending you peace and love...and more butter!
Dino